It’s unfortunate most of the comments on it were dumb or delusional.
Patriarchy is so insidious. I’ve always thought it was unfortunate that women had to take time off for pregnancy and postnatal care, but never considered how partners could make up for it by taking over more of the childcare later on. From the beginning paltry maternity leave and nonexistent paternity leave set imbalance the scales even more, so the man’s career is more established and mothers become the expert on the children, and from there on out it’s easy to maintain the status quo, even when lives are upended in a pandemic.
There are structural issues. It would be hard for men to take time off or scale back to take a greater role as a parent, but that’s why it needs to be fought for.
I have an egalitarian-minded husband. Unfortunately, senior management at his workplace can't wrap their heads around the concept of a dual-career, two-parent household. Early in the pandemic, they simply did not comprehend our reality: a kindergartner suddenly attending school virtually while both parents attempted to work from home. ‘’What, isn’t it just like homeschooling?” No. And homeschooling wasn’t something we chose.
*My* workplace did NOT handle things much better in early pandemic times. Our chief executive, who is the parent of grown children, sent out an email in which she said that children should just be kept quiet with coloring books while you worked. Which would be laughable had it not been infuriating and unrealistic. Ultimately I did have to use some leave under the CARES act, since neither school nor after-school care were options. I took a paycheck hit for it, too. So, yes, this has laid bare the inequities and I'm feeling pretty raw about it. “Having it all” is an impossible lie if the support isn’t there.
Thank you for this piece. I agree. I have a piece that I am trying to publish somewhere about this situation and my own experience taking a pandemic maternity leave. All this anger and rage began to simmer for me, and I realized that what I did with the pandemic - hitting pause on work to accommodate my family - is exactly what I did when I first had kids. I had just crossed the finish line in August 2019 - my youngest went to kindergarten! I felt like the me I had put up on a shelf for nine years could finally come down. And then it was all ripped away. And I realized that for those nine years, I had wanted more time to work, but didn't feel like I could ask for more. Not because of my husband but because of the inner patriarchy within that made me feel like I should want to mother more than I should want to work. But it wasn't true. I'm not sure I would have realized that except that the raw deal dealt by the pandemic woke me up to my inner rage, unhappiness, frustration with the patriarchy in my own damn mind!
It is so terribly disheartening to see this going on now. Seems all the gains were illusory in some respects. Brings back memories of the ‘60s - as a newlywed I tried to apply for a job at a large insurance company; the older woman interviewing me wouldn’t even consider me because “You’ll have babies.” So only spinsters need apply?
and if you think your job is underpaid and thankless, and you've got news about motherhood, wait till you become the elder-caregiver, because women are expected to do that, too, by default.
That was great! Thank You!I am a pediatrician and almost all of the nurses and physicians in our office are female. Although some of our cultural narratives tell women they should want to stay at home I know of no one who would want an office of exclusively male physicians/nurses particularly in primary care and ob/gyn. If the narrative/questions that pollsters asked were flipped ie would you want a world where you were less likely to see the physician you want because of lack of child care I think you would get different answers.
Great article as usual. One thought I have is that empirically it would be worth teasing out how much of couples' decision to prioritize the man's career is because he gets paid more, versus how much is down to the woman being perceived as 'better' at domestic work.
The pay gaps are a vicious cycle, because you can see why a couple would choose to prioritize the higher paying job, which perpetuates the problem. But the cultural problem is so big too, because even a higher paid woman will likely sacrifice if mom is 'needed' to do something for the kids or at home.
I have to confess I subscribe somewhat to the 'myth of the male bumbler'. But then I don't think men should be running companies or governments either or much of anything really. It feels to me like male obstinance is a driving force behind most of the world's problems, just because women seem so much more likely to modify their behavior for the greater good.
As a man it's easy to say, 'I don't know why women put up with it,' but it's also profoundly unhelpful, and I think we do know why; it's because the alternative options are so limited. I don't know what to say when men persistently refuse to be better.
I’m 50 and my kids are 26 and 23 and live in Europe. But I’m still infuriated by this, because fuuuuuck a bunch of patriarchal bullshit. I really feel for younger folks who have small children or who want to start families and who have to navigate this stuff. The United States is such a cruel country in so many ways, and the way it treats women and children is just one part of the problem.
I really don’t know what I’m trying to say here. I’m just pissed off in general by injustice.
Fantastic piece, Jessica! I absolutely agree with everything you said (and you always put it so damn eloquently!!). As a person about to enter motherhood, it terrifies me to have to deal with the additional bullshit this pandemic (and men in general?) place on mothers. Fortunate to have a job with paid parental leave, which my husband also has, but it certainly won’t end there...le sigh.
You can argue the Hell out of that but let's go with it. So, isn't it the conservative crowd who always claim that the managers in the private sector deserve their big salaries & bonuses because they are uniquely qualified to do these important jobs - and if women are uniquely qualified to do the even bigger Most-Important-Job-In-the-World, where are their seven figure salaries & bonuses? (Yes, we know the answer.)
As for individual men; I'm bitter and angry and so-fucking-tired-of-this-bullshit but not at all surprised. People like their privileges. Ask most people if they want better welfare & healthcare and they say 'Yeah, good idea' but they don't want to pay any extra tax themselves to achieve it. People like the idea of a clean environment but not if they can't drive their car everywhere or fly five times a year (for whatever reason) or even wear a goddamn sweater or coat instead of turning on the outdoor heater... et fucking cetera.
So most individual men will not lift a finger (doing the cooking or the washing up or even playing with their own goddamn children) to help their partners, let alone take a hit professionally.
Time for hard truths: most men don't find their partners and their hopes and happiness and ambitions all that important. Sure, they love their wives and girlfriends, as long as it's not too much effort. You know, all those fuckheads who throw no longer wanted or too troublesome pets out of the car? That's, in only VERY slightly hyperbolic terms, your average guy when it comes to their partners.
All right, end of rant - but Jesus, this shit pisses me off.
You're right, it is obscene. In Scotland we have paid maternity leave and free childcare (for 3yo and up) but it's still career-limiting *at best* to become a mother
Great piece, Jessica! Although, the sad reality is that men can do that BECAUSE they often have a partner who does the majority of domestic and often invisible labor of parenting and housework. I’ll never forget this quote from an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, in which one very successful male surgeon told a more junior yet equally ambitious and gifted female surgeon, “when you do what you and I do as fiercely as we do it, you need somebody who’s willing to stay home and keep the home fires burning. That’s the only way you and I are ever going to have somebody.” And unfortunately, that person who stays home and “keeps the home fires burning” is usually the woman in the relationship. “/ That might be an extreme example, but the point still stands: what we can do about this phenomenon if men don’t start stepping up and sacrificing their own careers to take on more responsibility at home?
This reminds me of your medium piece that really reframed the way I think about childcare: https://gen.medium.com/kids-dont-damage-women-s-careers-men-do-eb07cba689b8
It’s unfortunate most of the comments on it were dumb or delusional.
Patriarchy is so insidious. I’ve always thought it was unfortunate that women had to take time off for pregnancy and postnatal care, but never considered how partners could make up for it by taking over more of the childcare later on. From the beginning paltry maternity leave and nonexistent paternity leave set imbalance the scales even more, so the man’s career is more established and mothers become the expert on the children, and from there on out it’s easy to maintain the status quo, even when lives are upended in a pandemic.
There are structural issues. It would be hard for men to take time off or scale back to take a greater role as a parent, but that’s why it needs to be fought for.
I have an egalitarian-minded husband. Unfortunately, senior management at his workplace can't wrap their heads around the concept of a dual-career, two-parent household. Early in the pandemic, they simply did not comprehend our reality: a kindergartner suddenly attending school virtually while both parents attempted to work from home. ‘’What, isn’t it just like homeschooling?” No. And homeschooling wasn’t something we chose.
*My* workplace did NOT handle things much better in early pandemic times. Our chief executive, who is the parent of grown children, sent out an email in which she said that children should just be kept quiet with coloring books while you worked. Which would be laughable had it not been infuriating and unrealistic. Ultimately I did have to use some leave under the CARES act, since neither school nor after-school care were options. I took a paycheck hit for it, too. So, yes, this has laid bare the inequities and I'm feeling pretty raw about it. “Having it all” is an impossible lie if the support isn’t there.
Thank you for this piece. I agree. I have a piece that I am trying to publish somewhere about this situation and my own experience taking a pandemic maternity leave. All this anger and rage began to simmer for me, and I realized that what I did with the pandemic - hitting pause on work to accommodate my family - is exactly what I did when I first had kids. I had just crossed the finish line in August 2019 - my youngest went to kindergarten! I felt like the me I had put up on a shelf for nine years could finally come down. And then it was all ripped away. And I realized that for those nine years, I had wanted more time to work, but didn't feel like I could ask for more. Not because of my husband but because of the inner patriarchy within that made me feel like I should want to mother more than I should want to work. But it wasn't true. I'm not sure I would have realized that except that the raw deal dealt by the pandemic woke me up to my inner rage, unhappiness, frustration with the patriarchy in my own damn mind!
It is so terribly disheartening to see this going on now. Seems all the gains were illusory in some respects. Brings back memories of the ‘60s - as a newlywed I tried to apply for a job at a large insurance company; the older woman interviewing me wouldn’t even consider me because “You’ll have babies.” So only spinsters need apply?
and if you think your job is underpaid and thankless, and you've got news about motherhood, wait till you become the elder-caregiver, because women are expected to do that, too, by default.
That was great! Thank You!I am a pediatrician and almost all of the nurses and physicians in our office are female. Although some of our cultural narratives tell women they should want to stay at home I know of no one who would want an office of exclusively male physicians/nurses particularly in primary care and ob/gyn. If the narrative/questions that pollsters asked were flipped ie would you want a world where you were less likely to see the physician you want because of lack of child care I think you would get different answers.
Great article as usual. One thought I have is that empirically it would be worth teasing out how much of couples' decision to prioritize the man's career is because he gets paid more, versus how much is down to the woman being perceived as 'better' at domestic work.
The pay gaps are a vicious cycle, because you can see why a couple would choose to prioritize the higher paying job, which perpetuates the problem. But the cultural problem is so big too, because even a higher paid woman will likely sacrifice if mom is 'needed' to do something for the kids or at home.
I have to confess I subscribe somewhat to the 'myth of the male bumbler'. But then I don't think men should be running companies or governments either or much of anything really. It feels to me like male obstinance is a driving force behind most of the world's problems, just because women seem so much more likely to modify their behavior for the greater good.
As a man it's easy to say, 'I don't know why women put up with it,' but it's also profoundly unhelpful, and I think we do know why; it's because the alternative options are so limited. I don't know what to say when men persistently refuse to be better.
I’m 50 and my kids are 26 and 23 and live in Europe. But I’m still infuriated by this, because fuuuuuck a bunch of patriarchal bullshit. I really feel for younger folks who have small children or who want to start families and who have to navigate this stuff. The United States is such a cruel country in so many ways, and the way it treats women and children is just one part of the problem.
I really don’t know what I’m trying to say here. I’m just pissed off in general by injustice.
Fantastic piece, Jessica! I absolutely agree with everything you said (and you always put it so damn eloquently!!). As a person about to enter motherhood, it terrifies me to have to deal with the additional bullshit this pandemic (and men in general?) place on mothers. Fortunate to have a job with paid parental leave, which my husband also has, but it certainly won’t end there...le sigh.
I absolutely agree - with everything.
First: 'the most important job in the world'.
You can argue the Hell out of that but let's go with it. So, isn't it the conservative crowd who always claim that the managers in the private sector deserve their big salaries & bonuses because they are uniquely qualified to do these important jobs - and if women are uniquely qualified to do the even bigger Most-Important-Job-In-the-World, where are their seven figure salaries & bonuses? (Yes, we know the answer.)
As for individual men; I'm bitter and angry and so-fucking-tired-of-this-bullshit but not at all surprised. People like their privileges. Ask most people if they want better welfare & healthcare and they say 'Yeah, good idea' but they don't want to pay any extra tax themselves to achieve it. People like the idea of a clean environment but not if they can't drive their car everywhere or fly five times a year (for whatever reason) or even wear a goddamn sweater or coat instead of turning on the outdoor heater... et fucking cetera.
So most individual men will not lift a finger (doing the cooking or the washing up or even playing with their own goddamn children) to help their partners, let alone take a hit professionally.
Time for hard truths: most men don't find their partners and their hopes and happiness and ambitions all that important. Sure, they love their wives and girlfriends, as long as it's not too much effort. You know, all those fuckheads who throw no longer wanted or too troublesome pets out of the car? That's, in only VERY slightly hyperbolic terms, your average guy when it comes to their partners.
All right, end of rant - but Jesus, this shit pisses me off.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
You're right, it is obscene. In Scotland we have paid maternity leave and free childcare (for 3yo and up) but it's still career-limiting *at best* to become a mother
Great piece, Jessica! Although, the sad reality is that men can do that BECAUSE they often have a partner who does the majority of domestic and often invisible labor of parenting and housework. I’ll never forget this quote from an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, in which one very successful male surgeon told a more junior yet equally ambitious and gifted female surgeon, “when you do what you and I do as fiercely as we do it, you need somebody who’s willing to stay home and keep the home fires burning. That’s the only way you and I are ever going to have somebody.” And unfortunately, that person who stays home and “keeps the home fires burning” is usually the woman in the relationship. “/ That might be an extreme example, but the point still stands: what we can do about this phenomenon if men don’t start stepping up and sacrificing their own careers to take on more responsibility at home?
It's as if the choice is being made to have a dumber, poorer country. Some Dark Ages-level shit. (Are we allowed to curse on this substack?)