Happy Monday! I’ll be around and on this thread most of the day answering any questions you might have about feminism, writing, culture, cooking - whatever strikes your fancy.
So if you ever had a burning question you wanted to ask me, now is the time. :)
Hi, Jessica. Sorry for coming to this so late. I have been running into the following problem for the last several years as a male feminist, American high school teacher in Scotland. There is both chronic and acute misogyny in schools, at the individual and institutional levels. The school I currently work in had a Feminist Society before I arrived, which was shut down, in part they were told because "where are the opportunities for boys?" -- a question never asked about, say, football or rugby or male-dominated clubs like the Chess Club. The women who ran this club are hesitant to reconstitute it because of their previous experiences, which were painful, and the potential battle it might take. Now there are four students (all girls) who want to reconstitute this group. I would like to help restart a Feminist Society and had a meeting with the students and then with the students and two teachers, but nothing has happened since. The students have since reported quite a bit of misogyny to me, and I think this is an opportunity to try to restart the club. The issue I have is this: This club, I feel, would best be run at minimum in part by women who have the experience and can serve as role models, but nothing is getting done unless I step in and pester them. That dance is awkward and I don't know how to do it to best serve our students. I want to do the work needed in the background, but I don't know the right balance or way to express this. The two women who ran this club in the past are the most dedicated and passionate feminists in the school and the only people who have expressed any possibility of trying again. Thanks for your advice.
I am a day late because, life. But if you are still taking questions, I have a dog question! Your dogs are absolutely gorgeous, and I love seeing them whenever you share pics or videos. I am applying to adopt an Australian Cattle Dog / Blue Heeler mix from a rescue organization. Do you have any pearls of wisdom from owning herding dogs in the city? (I live in Chicago on a 3rd floor walk up with no yard but am close to parks and a beach) :-)
My daughter Eve is 10 1/2 and fiery as hell. Im glad about it because Im raising her to be the empowered feminist that I wish I was raised as, however, sometimes the tween tude is a little much. Do you have any parenting books (which I will admit I havent read one beyond WTEWE, and I really abhor the whole catagory of advise lit) that you like or whats your trick to keep you and Layla both awesome on the mom/daughter front?
Hi Jessi! It's so funny, I've actually been looking for books on this very thing! Because I'm with you - I want to foster that sense of independence and fire, but maybe not so much directed at me lol. I feel like a lot of the books in that genre are either a bit dated or aren't aligned with my values. Maybe I can start a parenting thread because I'm sure other parents must have recs.
In terms of Layla, who is also 10, my go-to lesson with her is: you are allowed to have whatever feeling you want, but you need to express it in a non-hurtful way. Obviously that's not always possible in the heat of the moment, but she knows that that's the expectation and hope. But it's hard! This age is such a killer, and I think the pandemic is NOT helping at all.
I like that all feelings are valid approach, because they all are. I found a book I might try: Reviving Ophelia. It sounds good, worth a shot. At the end of some of these days, I REALLY don't want to read a parenting book. Is Layla virtual? My daughter Eve is and I think it really it complicates things.
Hi Jessica! I’m a creative nonfiction major at Kent State, and I’m working on an essay reflecting on the Trump years. I subscribed to your “The Week in Patriarchy” series for The Guardian from the very beginning, and I’m trying to track down an article I think you may have featured during the first few weeks. I’ve had trouble finding it on The Guardian’s website, and I’m starting to wonder if I read it somewhere else. Still, I thought maybe I’d run it by you and see if it rings a bell. It talked about how we were in for a long four years, and how we needed to hang on to our anger. But that we also needed to make sure we took care of ourselves, or else we might burn out - that the anger could fizzle and we wouldn’t have the same intensity to continue the fight. It also said that we should try to focus our efforts on one particular cause to fight for, because we shouldn’t spread ourselves too thin. I know that’s not a lot to go on. I thought it might’ve been something you wrote. I know you definitely wrote about self care, and still do. But if I remember correctly, this was like a guide to how to survive during the coming Trump years. Any thoughts?
Hi Andrew, yes this absolutely sounds like something I wrote - though I can't seem to find it either! I'll look around more closely, but I remember exactly what you're talking about!
In general or feminist books? If you're talking about feminist books I'm not above recommending my own: Full Frontal Feminism and The Purity Myth are probably the best for that age. I'd also suggest any of Roxane Gay's books, Julia Serano's The Whipping Girl, and anything by bell hooks :)
Hi Jessica! You are very rad, and I love this AMA. I have a writing/editing question for you. When you're working on a piece, how do you balance the "what I want to say" with the "how I say it"... so that you both get the thing out the door and have it resemble the masterpiece you set out to write? For instance, I have a draft of something now that I think is a good draft. And after a read-through, I have a good sense of how to reorganize it to be coherent. But then I spend so much time wordsmithing on the first few bullet points that by the middle I've begun to lose steam and confidence. I'm trying different things to stay focused and keep going, like setting time limits for each section, or doing pushups every 30 minutes (to interrupt myself and to have more defined arm muscles come nightfall). But I was curious if you've found anything that works really well for you in the redrafting stage. It is when I find I'm at my most fearful/vulnerable, and feel a lot of self-doubt about being able to execute on my potential. Thank you!
Thanks, Katie! I feel like the best way to deal with writer's block like that is to write out the sloppiest version of everything you want to say first. Don't worry about form or anything, just puke everything onto the page. Once you have everything (or most) of what you want to say, then go back and start to work on style, tone, etc. If you're still stuck, try starting from the bottom - work on the conclusion and work your way up. Good luck!
Not a question, just a giant THANK YOU for offering this newsletter up to us. I'm happy to contribute to its production, and I'm really appreciating the different pieces you're sharing with us.
Have you ever gone deep (or do you know anyone who has) into what "shaming" really means? It seems like a term that's broad and emotionally loaded enough that it makes discussion hard. Societies need to have some way to communicate what sort of norms they want to promote - some of it we do through laws, but laws are rigid and extreme and we don't really want the cops writing tickets for skipping out on your turn to bring snacks to the soccer game.
So there are various types of consequences for antisocial behavior - you lose friends because you keep saying racist things, your spouse divorces you because you refuse to be a partner in running the household, you don't get promoted or elected because you bully and belittle your staff. Those same forces and consequences also operate for less savory reasons though: you decline to tolerate harassment, you don't have the right clothes or cultural references because you're poor, you refuse to act properly ashamed of your fat body.
Is there a way in our language to distinguish good shaming from bad shaming? Of course, we're not all going to agree about which shaming is the good kind, but we can maybe agree that it's not wrong to use certain tools to promote the society you want to live in, and tolerate other's good faith attempts to do the same. Then maybe we can get to more advanced discussions about which tools and consequences are appropriate. I think this is probably the same discussion as the "cancel culture" debate.
I love this question! I've been thinking a lot about shaming because of all the nonsense commentary over 'cancel culture' and how - as you wrote - there are good kinds of shaming. I tend to think of that good shaming as simple "consequences." There are consequences for being a jerk, or a racist (or voting for a jerk and a racist). The bad kind of shaming you're talking about is really more like harassment, right? So I think if we could call things what they are in a specific, narrow way - it would help. That said, I really like the idea of coming up with new variations on shaming, as well, to distinguish the two!
Thank you! I do think being more specific is a big helpful step. Yeah, now that you mention it, most bad shaming is better described as harassment. Maybe not all though - maybe not something like privately warning your buddies at the country club not to hire that woman because she's "difficult." I don't know a good word for that sort of attempt to inflict consequences for behavior and intimidate women into compliance. Especially because "intimidating someone into compliance" is a good thing when we're talking something like "stop making comments about women's bodies at work or you'll get fired!"
Reading back what you wrote, it occurs to me that where it really gets controversial (probably because that's where it gets powerful) is when we tell our friends, bring the behavior into the light, and use our collective voices. They don't call it "cancelling" when we vote against the abuser, but they do when someone points out publicly that he's an abuser and we should vote against him.
Oh, and can I tell you what a breath of fresh air it is to have these threads? Thank you so much for your affirming, supportive language. It's the way we talk with our friends in real life and so much not how we have to exist online in social media spaces, where it often feels like somebody is waiting for us to make the slightest slip-up so they can pounce.
Hi Jessica! I just wanted to say I’m a big fan of your writing and as a student in the UK, your book the Purity Myth was massively influential for my undergraduate dissertation on exploring sexualised images of girlhood and the ‘paedophile culture’ we have in society, so thank you so much for that! It inspired me to do an MA in Gender and I’m working on my next dissertation further exploring this topic but with an intersectional lens (looking at concepts like missing white girl syndrome, the infantilisation of white girls and the adultification of black girls potentially in tabloid ‘news’.) I wondered if you had any favourite writers/academics/authors/articles who write anything in this area, or really any favourite writers in general? I also wondered what made you want to get into this field and if you have any tips for someone looking for a career in gender and women’s rights fields in any capacity? It always seems to come down to unpaid internships in the UK which is super frustrating and exploitative! Sorry for the long question and I hope this isn’t too complicated or confusing, it’s just amazing to be able to ask a question of someone I admire :) Thank you very much!
Thanks so much! I'm so glad The Purity Myth helped you - and very exciting about your dissertation! Let me think about who is writing about purity right now and come back to the thread - I'll find some folks for you. In general, tho, there are fantastic writers covering related but broader issues. Some of my favorites are Tressie McMillan Cottom, Soraya Nadia McDonald, Kate Manne, and Roxane Gay.
In terms of what made me want to get into feminist writing - it really was stumbling into a Women's Studies class that got me started. Just being around other women who felt the same way I did made me realize that all the things I had been thinking and feeling weren't weird (that it was actually the world that was weird). And yeah; it's very similar in the U.S. re: internships, though most places now have cut out the unpaid internships after lots of pushing.
I have some advice about careers in the other comments, but do as much as you can to connect yourself with the people who doing the kind of things you'd like to do. And don't always go to the usual suspects; think about reaching out to smaller organizations. Hope that's helpful!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking your time out to answer my question, and your recommendations of writers and career advice :) It was so helpful and really amazing to have a question answered by someone I admire so much! I’m looking forward to reading your work in the future!
Hi Jessica! Big fan here. I’ve been looking forward to your next book for some time now (it was going to be called the misogynists but you said on Instagram a while back the the new title would be “all in her head”). Any idea when that might come out? Also, Im curious: why the title change? :)
Hi Vanessa! I don't have a release date for my next book, but probably late this year / early next? I'm in the process of finishing it up now. (The delay, obviously, is mostly pandemic-related)
The title change happened for a couple of reasons - in part because I changed publishers, in part because the framing of the book shifted a bit. It went from being sort of an examination of modern misogyny to looking at modern misogyny through the lens of how women are gaslit. Either way, I hope you like it once it's out in the world!
He Said, She Listened: Mansplaining, Gaslighting, and Epistemic Entitlement
What are the underlying causes of misogyny? In many cases, it stems from a wrongheaded sense of moral entitlement to a woman’s sexual, emotional, reproductive, and material labor.
In this session, writer and philosopher Kate Manne will introduce another form of entitlement that can be thought of as epistemic: a sense of entitlement to be the designated knower or informant, or the agent who issues authoritative explanations. Professor Manne will connect the notion of epistemic entitlement with a variety of problematic behaviors, including mansplaining, gaslighting, and misogynistic anger at the expert testimony of women.
Sort of similarly Dr. Jess Taylor notes (25:00) how CBT can actually reinforce victim-blaming narrative as women who experienced sexual violence are encouraged to change their thinking and behavioural patterns. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsFb6Wb8MAQ&feature=emb_logo
Hi Jessica, this has been going on for a while, and I don't want to ask something that's already been asked, but I want to tell you that I appreciate all the work you've done over the years to fight the fight. I'm sure it's not always easy, but you're doing your part to make the world a better, more inclusive place for everyone. I'm a regular reader of your pieces and always feel like you make an important point in almost everything you write. Thank you for all the work you do.
Hi Jessica! I'm a big fan of your writing, interested to know how you feel about the political landscape now Trump is gone - are you hopeful? Jaded? Do you think Biden can/will make a difference in women's lives?
Thanks for the support! I do feel like there's going to be a difference with the new administration - even just that sense of urgency and fear has lessened so much since January. And we already know that Biden undoing some of the most discriminatory policies (particularly against immigrants & the LGBTQ community) is going to have an immediate impact. So I'm hopeful!
Obviously, that doesn't mean we rest on our laurels. I almost feel more hyped up to demand change, to be honest, because we have a better opportunity to make it happen. I want feminists to hold Biden accountable every single day!
All that said, of course I'm worried - about a lot of things but at the top of mind is Roe and all of the state level rollbacks of abortion rights and trans rights. There's going to be plenty of work ahead of us - I'm just hopeful that we won't be so burned out from having Trump as president that it will be a little bit easier to get that work done.
Here's a question I often ask myself: do you feel obligated to stick to a schedule for this newsletter? Like, do you feel like you have to post even when you have nothing to post about (I know, it's not like there's nothing going on, but sometimes I, for example, am busy absorbing and digesting and percolating, and I don't feel like I have anything to draw or write about that can't wait till I am ready, which would be who knows when.) I once tried to do a daily comic, just to see if I had one in me, and after a few months I realized it was amusing and cute, but it was such a watered down version of me that I didn't love it. That said, there's something to writing or drawing every day when one can. On the other hand, when we're women and caregivers we have to allow for an organic schedule -- we're not machines! Why should we pretend to be?
And another thing that comes to mind is how back in the days of RSS feeds, I remember that so many of the blogs I was subscribed to began posting multiple times a day, and began driving me nuts. The HuffPo grew into a sort of giant mall and I stopped reading anything on it, and I felt like my own work was lost in a vast morass of half-baked (unpaid) postings.
So, yeah, do you feel free to not post when you feel like silence is more productive? I sometimes say so in my Patreon -- I check in to say, hey, I'm overwhelmed and here's why. I think sometimes other people might feel seen in just that admission.
Ah such a good question and one I'm thinking a lot about lately!! Right now I don't feel like I need to stick to a specific schedule where I'm always posting a column on Mondays, for example, or always having an open thread on Thursdays. The world doesn't work like that and sometimes I won't find anything to write a whole column about until later in the week.
But I do feel like I made a commitment to readers - especially as we move to subscriber-only - to have a certain level of content and engagement here (even if that doesn't mean the same thing every week). I do want to build something, though, where there's enough trust between me and my readers where if I am sick one week or need to take a break that no one - even if they're paying - is going to be pissed. I feel like if I'm giving my all to the newsletter and readers can see that, they're also going to understand that we're all human. :)
And I totally hear you on the posting like ten things a day - I don't want to inundate folks and I don't think anyone is interested in hearing from me quite that much haha. I feel like it's going to be a learning experience as I go along. While this feels very much like blogging in a lot of ways, it's not - and I need to feel my way along as I go. Does that make sense?
Yes, it makes total sense! I think it’s good to make a point of being human, as it gives the rest of us permission to be human, too. I’m a big believer in leading by example in all these things — not churning things out like a machine, taking breaks when needed or called for (to rest, to grieve, to be a good caregiver, etc). My patrons are very understanding and that’s actually inspiring, not to mention deeply touching to me!
I’m interested in hearing how we create a thoughtful way to simultaneously support sexual assault victims and skeptically inquire into the genesis of assault claims. Background: feminist assault “survivor “ (although I hate that term) and former criminal defense attorney. I spent a career dealing with perpetrators and trying to balance ethical, vigorous defense with internal disgust directed at every aspect of the system. A few of my clients were not guilty (most were), and their trauma and its attendant effects on family, career and social life was life-changing for them. As MeToo rightly emboldens more women to open up, we have to figure out how to be supportive yet critical at the same time, lest we risk a knee-jerk “believe all women” narrative.
Hi Ellen, thanks for the thoughtful question. I published an anthology called Believe Me that addresses some of these thoughts - I think if we start at a place where we find women believable and credible (which right now we don't on a broad scale) it would be transformative. That's why the saying has always been 'believe women' and not 'believe all women' - it's about starting from a place where we find women believable as men, not believing anything a woman says because she's a woman.
I feel like if our default reaction is trust - again, in the same way it is for men - that's all we need for an investigation to proceed like it would for anyone coming forward about any crime. We still ask questions, we still investigate, we still look for evidence - but coming from a place that assumes a crime was committed rather than an assumption that 'women lie' is going to make it easier to find the truth.
The other thing that you bring up, though it's tangential to what you're asking, is the criminal justice system - and I think it's so important that we talk about that. Because I do think that being overly-focused on criminal justice consequences is a mistake. Both because the criminal justice system is misogynist and racist - and because when we focus on things that are illegal rather than immoral we end up with narratives like "he wasn't as bad as Harvey Weinstein" any time someone is abusive in a way that doesn't break a law. Sorry to get off course and rambling - I think I'll write about this separately. :)
I'd also love to hear your perspective as someone who worked on these cases!
Thanks for responding! Sometimes I feel like I send comments into the ether to die. The problem with criminal justice is that it infrequently provides justice, mostly because (even where victims are invited to have their say) there is no dialogue between perpetrators and victims, and pain/rage is the lexicon of choice. And it’s a hammer—everything becomes a nail from the hammer’s perspective. But what is flattening about the discourse around criminal justice is that the venues in which it’s discussed are provocative to get eyeballs, when the issues are far more complex. For example, if I say (both as a victim and as an advocate for an accused perpetrator) that “all rapes are not the same” it gets twisted by enraged responses that don’t address the point, or even worse, resort to irrational false premises in order to fuel vitriol. My clients inarguably did commit despicable acts, fueled by rage and hatred, drugs and alcohol. They were also often badly damaged themselves. I just cannot believe that it salves society’s wounds to park them in an even more brutal environment (prison) where they rarely receive any means to be redeemed. But I’m open to any questions & willing to share more fully—I’d really like to participate in this conversation.
I don't have a question. I just wanted to say I appreciated many of the questions and responses. I'm definitely going to look into the recommendations. I loved the cooking questions though things have been immensely difficult long before the pandemic so I stopped cooking. But the mention of cheesecake got my attention. I look forward to reading more questions and answers <3
Hi, Jessica! Thank you so much for your work--everything you write is just so spot on. My question: what is some of your favorite feminist fiction? I'd love to do a deep dive into some classics, or anything circa 19th/early 20th century, but I'd love to hear about any books or authors you'd recommend. Thanks!
Ooh man, this is hard! In terms of earlier stuff I love Zora Neale Hurston and The Yellow Wallpaper, and obviously later on The Handmaid's Tale and Beloved. My favorite contemporary feminist fiction writer is Carmen Maria Machado - everything she does is so smart and so different than what everyone else is doing. She's so impressive and honestly I could read her all day every day.
Hi Jessica! I’m probably your biggest fan, I first read ‘You’re a Hardcore Feminist I Swear’ in my Women and Gender studies class my first year of university and I was hooked. I’ve read everyone of your books since! You’ve truly inspired me to become a feminist writer.
What inspired you to become a writer? Also, if you have any tips for someone starting out! Thank you, love your work.
Hi Kassidy - thank you for the support!!! This warms my cold jaded heart :)
For me, writing was sort of a given - I just was always writing from the time I was kid. It felt like I *had* to write or I was going to burst, sometimes. Still, I wasn't that good at it; I was much better at math and science and actually went to a math and science high school because I figured I'd go on to something in STEM. But writing was what I loved so I just kept taking English classes and journalism classes (and a shocking amount of Shakespeare classes) until I got better.
I think for me, realizing that I could change someone's mind - or make someone laugh - through writing was such a huge deal, I knew I had to do it.
In terms of tips for someone starting out - do twice as much reading that you do writing! Read everyone, read people you love, read people you hate. And I know it sounds trite, but I really do think what made me a good writer was that I wrote constantly - so write as much as you can about everything. (More than any journalism class I took, writing five to ten posts a day on Feministing is what made me good)
For more career stuff, there are a few comments below where I go into specifics. It's definitely hard out there, so be prepared for rejection and not getting stuff published right away - that's normal. I was writing for years before I got a byline.
As a fellow writer who's excitedly followed your career for years — what recommendations do you have to journalists looking to work in multiple different areas, as you have done?
Just always be pitching - reaching out to editors at the publications you want to write for, book agents you want to work with, people who starting new content platforms that you think are interesting! I think all of it is, at the end of the day, is about relationships - whether it's the relationship you have with your readers and developing that, or the relationships you have professionally that you need to nurture.
It's a lot of work, and I won't pretend that there's not a good deal of luck involved. But as I've said in a couple of different comments below, I think developing those relationships - and your reputation as someone great to work with - is key.
No real question (though I have many) just wanted you to know that Sex Object was super powerful and important to me as a dude, parent, citizen, and human. So thanks for that!
Hi Gillian - it definitely did, though I don't know that I necessarily recognized it. I always loved writing and politics, and had a feminist bent to papers I wrote in high school and early college when I was studying journalism. Then later, when I got into Women's Studies, it was certainly true! When I graduated, though, I didn't get straight into writing - I went to graduate school first, and worked retail for a while until I found a job at a nonprofit. I was able to "write" there - but it was mostly press releases and website copy.
It really wasn't until I started Feministing and started writing for myself that I was doing feminist writing in earnest.
I've always wanted to ask you - Is there any must-share advice you have for young women in the field of gender studies, repro justice, etc.? Is there anything in particular that you wish you knew when you were in school or starting to build your career? And, lastly, any words of wisdom or guidance for somebody who wants to make a career in the field but doesn't want to work in politics? For reference, I'm 21 and I'll be finishing undergrad in a year or so!
Also, a quick thank you for your work. I think you're awesome and I dream of writing a book that could accompany yours on the shelf someday.
Thanks, Delaney - I hope you get to write that book, I'd love to read it!
I think one of things I wish I would have known is that you don't have to work directly in feminist nonprofits or women's issues specifically to do feminist work - we need more feminists and people who are bringing a justice-minded outlook to every industry out there! So you can do feminist work where ever you are.
I think that's especially useful for someone like you, who is getting ready to graduate, to know. That said, if you want to work directly in feminism - what I wish I would have known is that you're more likely to get the experience you want working for a smaller, lesser-known organization than you are a bigger one. Like, if you get an entry-level job at a huge place, you're going to make copies and getting coffee. You'll be doing those things at a smaller org, too, but you'll also be helping in more substantive ways (at least in my experience). So don't discount local, grassroots work. I see lots of women graduate who really want to work with the big name orgs, and I get that - but there's lots to consider elsewhere.
Let me know if that's helpful or if there's anything else I can tell you!
That's all very helpful! I appreciate that and I will take it to heart. A particularly good reminder that feminist work takes place everywhere.
I'm especially glad to hear what you said about smaller orgs. I've had the chance to do volunteer work through my university with some of the bigs and, although I'm so thankful for the experience and what they do, I noticed what you said to be true. It helped me realize that I think I'd be a lot happier and feel more productive working grassroots. It's great to hear that I'm headed in a good direction with that.
I do have just one more ask, bouncing off all that. Do you have anything to say about getting in with smaller local orgs? I've found an abundance of volunteer opportunities, but things look very sparse in the internship/job realm. I figure that volunteering and networking that way is bound to get me in and paid somewhere eventually, but if you have anything else to add I'm all ears!
Yeah I hear you, those jobs can be few and far between. You're right that networking and volunteering helps - I'd also be open to moving for the right gig, if you're up for it. Some of those places also need more help than they're funded for - so you could even talk to a place you've volunteered for and ask if they'd hire you if you were able to find funding and then apply to some grants...
Hi Jessica! I used to be on the board for NARAL a while ago, but left because it was a conflict of interest for the issues I write about - like, I need to be able to be critical of big orgs and I can't do that if I'm on their board. That's why I don't serve on any boards right now, I want to be able to write unfettered.
That said, there so many orgs that I love! Abortion funds, of course, are doing such incredible work. I also really love the Radical Monarchs - a scouting troop for young girls of color - and Books Behind Bars in NYC.
I'm going to have an open thread soon on small orgs doing great work because I'm going to be donating 10% of subscription $ every month, so I'm hoping I'll find out about some new places, too!
I'm a data visualization dev and designer. In my free time, I like to build data visualizations related to social issues. Every year for IWD I normally like to build a small data visualization related to women's issues that could bring awareness or highlight a policy that could improve the lives of women.
I'm having a really hard time finding a topic this year, it might be because I know the pandemic has disproportionately affected women and I'm feeling the weight of it all. What would be a topic of interest to you? What do you feel hasn't been addressed enough by media or by data?
Oh man what a prompt! Do you normally do international women's issues or American issues? And actually doing something on the pandemic might be a great idea - this is not necessarily global, but all the women losing their jobs this past year is something I'd be interested in. But from a different perspective - I've already been writing a lot about how the big reason women are losing jobs is not because of the pandemic but because men aren't doing their faire share of child care. I wonder if there's a way to get into that visually? Just a re-frame of the topic.
Or something related but broader: how does it help women when men have access to paternity leave and *actually take it*
What you're doing is so cool - can't wait to see what you come up with!
Dinner this week: definitely tacos because Andrew makes homemade tortillas (best hobby ever), probably some pizza because we made dough for it yesterday, and I think I'm going to make some chicken cutlets as well because I really like noshing on the leftovers throughout the week.
Layla's favorite foods are so funny: She loves mac and cheese, obviously, but is also really into grilled octopus? She's the typical kid in terms of loving burgers and pizza, etc, but also will bust out with loving some random stuff - it's really fun.
I have ZERO on my reading list this week because I'm supposed to be using all my free time to write but that probably won't happen. And right now, Layla is super into these Spy Club novels - which I think are a series - and the Airbender comics. She loves any kind of graphic novel, too. Very much her jam.
Tell us more about the choice to go to a newsletter model. I personally love newsletters, I think it harkens back to the old school blogging, and I love flagging up a newsletter and having a cup of tea in the afternoon. Any other amazing newsletters you love?
I'm so glad you're into newsletters! I was definitely nervous - but like you said, it reminded me of blogging and I wanted to get back to that, and get back to betting on myself.
I also wanted more freedom in terms of being able to pitch longer pieces to whoever I wanted to. (When you have a columnist gig somewhere you often have to sign an exclusivity contract) Most of all, tho, I missed *this* - talking to readers and people who care about feminism. I got to scratch that itch a little bit when I did speeches - meeting people IRL and chatting - but obviously Covid made that impossible. So far, this has been so fun and fulfilling.
So many people have great newsletters!! Anne-Helen Peterson, Delia Cai, Lyz Lenz, Tressie McMillan Cottom, Jill Filipovic, etc. And I feel like I'm just sort of figuring out all the others that are around. (If folks have recs, let me know here!)
I must say, that as much as I like other newsletters, yours is the first one I actually felt like paying for. I like how we are able to interact. It sort of reminds me of the Hairpin in the good days, when all the commenters were positive and inspiring. I think you've captured that ethos here.
First off, I’m so jazzed to have another platform to follow you on. Secondly, I would love to hear more about how your husband supports the themes of your work and how that was apparent from the get-go! You’ve written about this previously but I find it so uplifting and fun to read about.
Andrew was a feminist before I met him, so that definitely made things easier. (He always gets irritated when people assume that he became a feminist because we're married rather than the idea that we're married because he *was* a feminist) I knew I was in okay hands because when were first chatting (over AOL haha) I mentioned that he should come to this political happy hour thing with me - we weren't dating yet, but he was new to NYC and I was trying to show him around. I said something along the lines of, it's fun but if you're looking to meet girls it's sort of a dude-fest - and he responded "why are you being so heteronormative" lol. He was joking but I was like, oh okay!
We also got together right as my first book was coming out, so he was sort of thrown in the deep end at the start of our relationship. (One of our first dates was him coming along with me when I did The Colbert Report!)
In any case, I've said it often but it really is true: having him as a partner has made my career possible in a lot of ways - and I'm sure he would say the same thing about me. It helps to marry a co-conspirator. ;)
Congratulations!!!! That's very exciting. My biggest piece of advice would be *take care of yourself first.* You're going to be no good to your kid if you're not doing well.
I think moms, in particular, are given this message that if they're not suffering they're not being good parents. It's almost become a competition - too many moms I know talk about how little sleep they've gotten or how they don't have a minute to themselves as if it's a good thing. And obviously parenting is work, and exhausting - especially in those early years. But the happier you are, the better mom you'll be.
I'll give you an example. Because Layla was born 3 months early and in the NICU for a long time, I was obsessed with breastfeeding. I pumped for months while she was sick and being tube fed, so by the time she was getting out of the hospital I was sort of drying up. And because she was a preemie, she needed to be fed a certain amount. So I got a lactation consultant who told me to pump every hour - I was bleeding from my nipples, crying and depressed and just doing AWFUL. Finally my husband Andrew was like, fuck this we're doing formula - and you know what happened? I *finally* bonded with my daughter because I had enough brain and heart space to do it.
As they get older, too, there are all these opportunities for moms to do *the most* whether it's making your kid look super cute every day or packing intricate Valentine's for every kid in their preschool class. Your child will 100% not remember if you made a dope gift bag for their birthday party or if their room was filled with wooden educational toys.
They will remember if you were around and happy enough to have a mommy-daughter dance party in the living room before dinner. Or if you had enough energy to ask them about their day and really listen.
All of that requires that you make sure that *you* are okay first. Congratulations again - and come back and let us know what you name her. <3
Hey Jessica! Any tips for someone trying to successfully freelance write about politics and feminism? I am confident I have the knowledge and writing skills, just getting my foot in the door is so difficult. I know the industry has become a lot more saturated since you first founded Feministing, but would love any insight you have!
Hi Andrea, I think starting from the place you are - where you recognize that the industry is a bit saturated - is great. Because you're coming at it realistically. A lot of it is about relationships; if you can develop professional relationships with editors you admire, or people at publications you'd like to write for - that's a start. And obviously that doesn't mean you need to meet them physically, but you can reply to their tweets or add a thought to something they worked on, for example. That way, when you're pitching something, your name is going to sound familiar to them.
Again, because you know lots of people are writing about feminism right now - try to think about what you, specifically, can bring to the table that's different. Or what angle you can write about that hasn't been covered before. Novelty is key, I think.
Hi Jessica! I’ve looked to you for wisdom many times since I found you during my college days, over a decade ago now - so first, thank you for your work. It has had such an impact on me! My question is, do you ever feel afraid before writing/publishing/posting something? And how do you move past that fear? I just finished a manuscript about sexual harassment I endured while working in Antarctica and am having a hard time taking the next step.
The truth is that I don't feel afraid. Because, as far as I'm concerned, the worst has already happened. I've already been harassed and embarrassed, been made to feel small or pushed aside what I thought to make someone else comfortable. I'm at a point where there is very little someone could do to me to make me not want to write. (Which is a privilege, obviously - I don't have to worry about losing a job, etc.)
In terms of moving past the fear you have about taking the next step with your manuscript - what is the specific fear? Maybe if you can identify it and suss out what would happen if those fears came true, you could think about how you'd react to them and if it would be as bad as you think.
For example, when I published Sex Object - which was my most personal book - I figured that the best thing I could do was imagine that any bad thing that might happen once it came out *would* happen. (My parents being sad about a particular chapter, for example, or someone who I wrote about not favorably reading the part about them) And you know what - those things did happen! I had an abusive ex in college, so decades ago, that I wrote about and didn't use his real name etc but he still found it, read it, and tried quite hard to get in touch with me. The "worst" happened and it was fine.
None of this is to say that there aren't real consequences to writing - there are. I don't want to pretend that it's not hard to write something personal and then have people trash it, or harass you for it. It's incredibly difficult, and it something that's super personal and you can decide if you want to deal with. But I think really laying out what those consequences are and preparing for them can help.
Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to give me such a thoughtful answer. This was so incredibly helpful, and I am definitely going to try identifying the specific fears. Thanks Jessica!
What's the strangest response to your work you've ever received? Someone who wildly misinterpreted what you said, or who drew a conclusion that was just bizarre?
There are so many to choose from!! After The Purity Myth was published, more than a few people thought I was arguing that abstaining from sex was bad or stupid, or that I had something against young women who decided to wait to have sex. (As opposed to my actual argument, which was just that whatever women decide to do sexually should have no bearing on how the world interprets their moral character.)
It was also sort of funny that when Sex Object came out, lots of dudes thought I was trying to give myself this great compliment - so there were a decent number of reactions along the lines of, you are not hot enough to be a sex object. It didn't occur to them that I could be writing about objectification as a *bad* thing
What was the first book you read you wanted to climb into & stay there forever - and what was the story/novel character that first made you think, 'This is me' (or, 'This could be me')?
Ahhhhh what a great question! The books/characters I remember relating to a lot as a kid were Anne of Green Gables, Caddie Woodlawn and Kristy in the Babysitter's Club - so pretty on brand haha. The first book I wanted to stay in forever came later and was definitely One Hundred Years of Solitude because I still re-read it twice a year.
Right now I'm reading books by Anna North (feminist fiction) & Rebecca Carroll (memoir) and because I share a Spotify account with my daughter the top songs are probably all Spice Girls (and because I stopped listening to new music in the late 90s the songs below that are definitely a mix of Janet Jackson and A Tribe Called Quest)
I don't know how *new* these writers are but here are a couple that I think are amazing and should be superstars already:
Mayukh Sen, a food writer who has a book coming out, "Tastemakers: Seven Immigrant Women Who Revolutionized Food in America"
Soraya Nadia McDonald, who is literally the most brilliant critic working right now and who needs to be given her own podcast or something as soon as possible
And most folks familiar with trans issues probably know Julia Serano and her books, but I wanted to name check her because I feel like she doesn't quite get the attention she deserves
I'm *sure* I will think of more, maybe I can do a regular feature where I link to folks that maybe you haven't heard of!!
Hey Bonnie! I haven't thought about this yet - tho I love the idea generally. Right now I'm focusing on getting the newsletter off the ground and developing a strong subscriber base so it can be a long-standing project. Once I do that, then I'll definitely think about how to expand or consider next steps!
Oh this please! I'd love to contribute -- especially at the intersection of healthy sexual ethics and the church (The Purity Myth was one of the cornerstones of my thesis).
Ahh I love this question! I don't really have a group chat with other feminist writers - I do have frequent individual chats - but things aren't 'competitive' either.
Obviously, lots of us are friends and so we're in touch over text or Twitter DMs or whatever but there isn't like a secret feminist cabal group chat (tho now that I type that I sort of really want one??). And even with the writers who I'm not close enough with to text or call, I do feel like there's a general sense of camaraderie - that's one of the nice things about social media, I suppose.
I also feel like even tho there are lots of feminist writers, we're in a moment where there's also a lot of opportunity to write about feminism for different publications and from different perspectives - and so I don't really feel competitive about the work. Mostly I feel happy that so many people are writing and talking about feminism!
That said, I do try to think about other writers when I'm pitching something or if a publication reaches out to me - like if another writer might be a better fit for the piece, or if a column I'm thinking about might be stepping on someone else's toes. For example, I was going to pitch a piece about a particular narrow issue recently but I remembered that another writer mentioned on a panel last year that they're thinking a lot about said issue so I reached out to her before pitching to see if she had anything planned on it.
And I actually think that, in part, answers your second question about cultivating a professional community - just thinking about other people is a great way to start: Making sure you know who is interested in what, and that you're in touch with folks about opportunities. I sort of got into this answering Rachel's question below - I think a huge part of creating that community is making sure you're the kind of person that others want to be in a community with! Does that make sense?
That makes a ton of sense. I am fortunate to have a community among my colleagues but have been thinking about how to expand that beyond my specific workplace. I teach HS at a Friends (Quaker) school and attempting to connect with teachers at other Friends schools seems like a logical next step, yet there are often competitive vibes between schools (sounds ludicrous, but there are about eight schools all in the same "market"). Your perspective has me thinking!
I'm really curious how you manage your mental health while constantly writing about such important but infuriating/triggering topics. I have a hard time being able to unplug and not letting the feminist rage and frustration control me after writing or recording about sexual assault. Thank you for all of your work!!
Hi Lottie! I will be honest - my mental health has absolutely taken a hit over the last decade because of the work I do. Writing about the stuff I write about is part of it, but it's also the hate & threats I get as well. (And I don't think that's specific to professional writers or people with bigger platforms - anyone who talks or writes about feminism has been the target of obnoxious or hateful reactions.)
I try to be proactive about taking care of my mental health - it's the only way I can do this kind of work. So I have a therapist, obviously, and a few years ago I started taking Zoloft, which helped a lot. And like you write, it's really hard to unplug and let things go - this is not the kind of job where you stop at 5pm and can just let it go! Caring about these issues is a 24/7 gig and that's what makes it so hard.
Sometimes what helps me is just totally trying to shut my brain down by watching something mindless, but something a bit healthier that has been really helpful is cooking. I find that doing something tangible, with my hands, helps me to get out of my head. So if there's anything you can do like that - cooking, knitting, painting (I even really got into dot-to-dot books for a while!) - I highly recommend it.
Hi Jessica! Huge fan of you work, and assign it in all of my classes at a graduate school for social work! I, like many other women, am in the thick of this pandemic with my 2-year-old child and am feeling burned out, angry, and disappointed in the lack of support given to working moms. I'm also, frankly, really tired of the toxic messaging around all of our being, "heroes." I'd prefer policymakers to be held accountable, I'd prefer more of a safety net for the demands of modern motherhood, etc. What do you do with your angst about this? The relentlessness of parenthood, the lack of acknowledgement about the pandemic's impact on working parents, etc.? I'm tired of the platitudes about, "how hard it must be." It doesn't change anything. I guess I'm curious where you put these feelings?
(I would apologize for this sounding angry, but that would be feeding into my internalized misogyny!)
Thank you, Erin - both for the kind words and for assigning my writing! That's awesome. :)
YES I AM WITH YOU. I have so much anger about this, and it's hard to know what to do with it. Lucky for me, I write and so I can really dump all of my angst out onto the page. A lot of times I'll just write in a journal, not even anything to be published, because as cliche as it is - it really does help just to get the thoughts out there. I also have a group chat of other moms where we can just bitch about stuff all day long randomly - and that has been a lifesaver.
The other thing that's hard is that normally I want to say - let's channel that anger into action! But who the fuck has time for that?? It's a vicious cycle because of course we'd like to change things but we literally have zero time and energy to be able to do it.
I think that's why I've been writing a lot about men lately and how it would be great if instead of talking about how the pandemic is putting women out of work, we could talk about how men not doing their fair share is actually the problem. Because I feel like if we could reframe this conversation so that it wasn't always up to us to have it, we might be able to get somewhere.
In any case, I'd just say if there are opportunities to hold people accountable - anyone from policymakers to journalists - take them if you can, but the priority is getting through the day.
Maybe we can have an angst-dump thread live on this site somewhere for those folks who don't have group chats where they can bitch about this insanity. I can start a furious moms thread - what do you think?
How did you go about planning to transform this community into a business? What advice would you have for a creative with a killer network and a passionate POV who wants to turn her mission into her living?
Very much so! This is a bit of an "asking for a friend situation," and I'm going to continue in that vein if I can get a follow up. Do you have any advice for someone who's in the chrysalis stage of this transformation for how to divide your working time between the work that's keeping the lights on, and the passion project that you hope represents your future?
YES this is so hard! I was doing that for a few years while I got Feministing off the ground and it's no joke. Especially because a passion project really does take so much work and effort, which is hard to give when you have a paying job. What I did - and this isn't going to work for everyone - was I did the least amount of paying work I could that would pay the bills so that I could focus on the passion project. Now, I was in my 20s and didn't have a kid so that worked fine then. It's not something I could do now.
This is a terrific question! Obviously, with Substack, the hope is that I can build up enough of a subscriber base to make a decent salary. Because I do really feel like outside of people believing in independent feminist journalism - a lot of us are dying for a community that isn't inundated with gross sexists. And it feels like there aren't a lot of communities for feminist minded women, tbh. Like, there are some closed Facebook groups I guess but who wants to be on Facebook anymore??
In terms of advice on turning a mission into a living - WHEW. As I'm sure you already know, it is not easy. Especially because the internet is saturated with people who, like you and I, want to work for ourselves and do something important. I got started in a much different climate and so I think a lot of my success was about timing *but* I think the other thing that helped me was that I did something slightly different than what other people were doing.
So when Feministing started, there were definitely other feminist blogs out there but we were one of the only group blogs at the time - which meant that we were producing more content than other folks, which meant that when people searched for feminist blogs, or posts on a particular topic, we had a lot more links come up in search results. All of which is to say: if you can find a way to set yourself apart a bit, that can be incredibly helpful.
The other thing - and I'm sure you know this - develop a reputation that makes people want to work with you and help you succeed. I'd like to think that one of the reasons I do well is that I do well by others. Whenever I can help someone with something, I do. I try to prop other writers up as much as I can, and do favors as often as is possible. I also try to be someone who is easy to work with - when editors are talking to each other and my name comes up, I want to know that they'll say that I wasn't precious about taking notes, that I was prompt and handed in clean copy, and I was just generally a nice person.
You'd be surprised at how many people are assholes, or entitled, when working with others. Be the kind person, and do the kind of work, that other people want to get behind.
Whew! That's a hard one. I'm lucky to have an older kid right now - Layla is 10 years old, which has made the pandemic a lot easier. She's in school most of the day (whether it's remote learning or actually in class) and because of her age she can entertain herself, make lunch for herself if she's hungry, take a bath, etc It makes a huge difference the older they get. (Even as a new mom I was amazed at how each month got easier - the day Layla started holding her own bottle I was *thrilled*)
Still, my days are organized around what my kid is up to - my husband takes her in the mornings and I take her in the afternoon after school. So if she has an activity, I have an activity. It can make writing difficult, because you'll get into a flow and all of a sudden you have to stop to take your kid to a playdate outside, or help with math homework, etc.
And so my days aren't really organized, to be honest - I take time where I can. And I think that was the most important thing I've learned since becoming a mom: to try to work as flexibly as I can. When I tried to have set writing hours or a strict schedule, it never worked out because (as you know) shit happens - whether it's your kid getting sick, or whatever - and then I'd feel guilty for breaking my habit.
So the best thing I learned how to do was to not feel bad about myself or my work when I wasn't able to to keep to a schedule or a deadline, and to give myself a break - and to normalize my daughter seeing me working and not feeling guilty about that.
There are definitely days where she wants to play with me or do something, and for a while I felt bad about saying no - but the truth is, it's *good* for her to see me writing and working! And instead of sort of dismissing her or waving her away because "mom is working" I try to get her involved and excited about what I'm going.
So I try to be deliberate about saying, "actually I'm in the middle of writing a column that I'm really excited about and you can see it when I'm done." Or, I tell her that I'm writing my book and does she remember when she got to come to my last book party, etc.
Ok, so I'm rambling now haha - happy to clarify anything because I think I definitely got off track there
I'd like to know more about how you approach your essays, your writing practices, and if there's an work you did personally or professionally to become authoritative within your work? Thanks for the opportunity to ask. I admire your work.
Thanks, Sonya! I'll be honest re: my writing practices - they're not the best. I don't have a terrific routine because my days rarely follow a set schedule, and having a kid makes keeping one really difficult. Most of the time, I do my best writing between midnight and 2am if you can believe that shit!
In terms of what I did personally/professionally to become an expert there are a few things: Before I started writing online (starting a blog etc) I had gotten a MA degree in Women's Studies and worked for a couple of nonprofit feminist organizations - one American org and another international org that did feminist advocacy within the UN.
I do think those experiences all helped me and shaped my point of view, but that said I don't think you need to follow a particular path to become authoritative in feminism.
I think the best thing you can do is *read* - like, obsessively. Because at the end of the day the thing that helped me learn the most about feminism, culture and politics was just reading every day - reading books, reading magazines, reading blogs - and, most importantly, reading people that weren't necessarily the usual suspects. There's a great feminist canon out there, obviously, but some of the things that changed my mind on issues or made me smarter were posts or articles from writers I had never heard of before.
Similarly, one of the things that has taught me the most has been listening to the experiences of other women - and because of the nature of what I do, I've had the opportunity to listen to a lot! Whether it was hearing people's stories through Feministing's comment section or talking to folks after my speeches at colleges, I learned *so much* about where the movement was going (or where it needed to go) just by listening to women's stories or the work that activists were doing on a local level.
For example, there is a big difference between learning about abortion rights from reading the press releases of a national women's org and listening to a woman in South Dakota who is raising money for abortion funds. That's sort of what I mean about not relying on the usual suspects.
In any case that is probably a longer answer than you were looking for, but hope it's helpful!!
Thank you. This is really helpful. I've been reading like crazy, or at least until the pandemic hit. Hearing other voices to sense into the movement is right on. Looking for more ways to do so daily.
Do you remember a piece that came out a year or two ago about the overwhelming number of women who work in community management/social media positions with low appreciation? I can see it in my mind's eye but cannot find it and it's driving me bonkers, and your email came along at exactly the right moment of frustration for me to ask such a silly question b/c it involves feminism, writing and culture. 🤦🏻♀️
Oh man I don't remember this! I even did a quick Google search to see if I could find it because I do remember what you're talking about...maybe someone else here will be able to help??
Yes! The NYT one is terrific tho I sub out pine nuts for the sunflower seeds. I'm also really lucky because my dad has a garden when he gets a TON of scapes every year so it's become tradition to make this: https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1015301-garlic-scape-pesto
Ahhh this is such a great question!! So I think when it comes to my favorite thing to *serve* it's my mom's cheesecake because it's literally the easiest thing to make and people are blown away by it. In terms of my favorite thing to actually cook, anything braised or anything that takes a long time (like a good bolognese or short ribs) because it's so satisfying when it's done.
And I'm definitely happy to share that cheesecake recipe! I'll post it separately in a newsletter :)
I also want to echo this and thank you for your work over the years. So many of the things you write have offered comfort and ideas throughout the years. Thank you for your work.
Hi, Jessica. Sorry for coming to this so late. I have been running into the following problem for the last several years as a male feminist, American high school teacher in Scotland. There is both chronic and acute misogyny in schools, at the individual and institutional levels. The school I currently work in had a Feminist Society before I arrived, which was shut down, in part they were told because "where are the opportunities for boys?" -- a question never asked about, say, football or rugby or male-dominated clubs like the Chess Club. The women who ran this club are hesitant to reconstitute it because of their previous experiences, which were painful, and the potential battle it might take. Now there are four students (all girls) who want to reconstitute this group. I would like to help restart a Feminist Society and had a meeting with the students and then with the students and two teachers, but nothing has happened since. The students have since reported quite a bit of misogyny to me, and I think this is an opportunity to try to restart the club. The issue I have is this: This club, I feel, would best be run at minimum in part by women who have the experience and can serve as role models, but nothing is getting done unless I step in and pester them. That dance is awkward and I don't know how to do it to best serve our students. I want to do the work needed in the background, but I don't know the right balance or way to express this. The two women who ran this club in the past are the most dedicated and passionate feminists in the school and the only people who have expressed any possibility of trying again. Thanks for your advice.
I am a day late because, life. But if you are still taking questions, I have a dog question! Your dogs are absolutely gorgeous, and I love seeing them whenever you share pics or videos. I am applying to adopt an Australian Cattle Dog / Blue Heeler mix from a rescue organization. Do you have any pearls of wisdom from owning herding dogs in the city? (I live in Chicago on a 3rd floor walk up with no yard but am close to parks and a beach) :-)
Hi Jess,
My daughter Eve is 10 1/2 and fiery as hell. Im glad about it because Im raising her to be the empowered feminist that I wish I was raised as, however, sometimes the tween tude is a little much. Do you have any parenting books (which I will admit I havent read one beyond WTEWE, and I really abhor the whole catagory of advise lit) that you like or whats your trick to keep you and Layla both awesome on the mom/daughter front?
Hi Jessi! It's so funny, I've actually been looking for books on this very thing! Because I'm with you - I want to foster that sense of independence and fire, but maybe not so much directed at me lol. I feel like a lot of the books in that genre are either a bit dated or aren't aligned with my values. Maybe I can start a parenting thread because I'm sure other parents must have recs.
In terms of Layla, who is also 10, my go-to lesson with her is: you are allowed to have whatever feeling you want, but you need to express it in a non-hurtful way. Obviously that's not always possible in the heat of the moment, but she knows that that's the expectation and hope. But it's hard! This age is such a killer, and I think the pandemic is NOT helping at all.
I like that all feelings are valid approach, because they all are. I found a book I might try: Reviving Ophelia. It sounds good, worth a shot. At the end of some of these days, I REALLY don't want to read a parenting book. Is Layla virtual? My daughter Eve is and I think it really it complicates things.
Hi Jessica! I’m a creative nonfiction major at Kent State, and I’m working on an essay reflecting on the Trump years. I subscribed to your “The Week in Patriarchy” series for The Guardian from the very beginning, and I’m trying to track down an article I think you may have featured during the first few weeks. I’ve had trouble finding it on The Guardian’s website, and I’m starting to wonder if I read it somewhere else. Still, I thought maybe I’d run it by you and see if it rings a bell. It talked about how we were in for a long four years, and how we needed to hang on to our anger. But that we also needed to make sure we took care of ourselves, or else we might burn out - that the anger could fizzle and we wouldn’t have the same intensity to continue the fight. It also said that we should try to focus our efforts on one particular cause to fight for, because we shouldn’t spread ourselves too thin. I know that’s not a lot to go on. I thought it might’ve been something you wrote. I know you definitely wrote about self care, and still do. But if I remember correctly, this was like a guide to how to survive during the coming Trump years. Any thoughts?
Hi Andrew, yes this absolutely sounds like something I wrote - though I can't seem to find it either! I'll look around more closely, but I remember exactly what you're talking about!
Thank you, Jessica! I appreciate it. Glad to know this wasn’t some false memory I’d constructed. :D
Definitely not!
Book rec(s) for late high school / early college students? Your own, or others. :D
In general or feminist books? If you're talking about feminist books I'm not above recommending my own: Full Frontal Feminism and The Purity Myth are probably the best for that age. I'd also suggest any of Roxane Gay's books, Julia Serano's The Whipping Girl, and anything by bell hooks :)
Hi Jessica! You are very rad, and I love this AMA. I have a writing/editing question for you. When you're working on a piece, how do you balance the "what I want to say" with the "how I say it"... so that you both get the thing out the door and have it resemble the masterpiece you set out to write? For instance, I have a draft of something now that I think is a good draft. And after a read-through, I have a good sense of how to reorganize it to be coherent. But then I spend so much time wordsmithing on the first few bullet points that by the middle I've begun to lose steam and confidence. I'm trying different things to stay focused and keep going, like setting time limits for each section, or doing pushups every 30 minutes (to interrupt myself and to have more defined arm muscles come nightfall). But I was curious if you've found anything that works really well for you in the redrafting stage. It is when I find I'm at my most fearful/vulnerable, and feel a lot of self-doubt about being able to execute on my potential. Thank you!
Thanks, Katie! I feel like the best way to deal with writer's block like that is to write out the sloppiest version of everything you want to say first. Don't worry about form or anything, just puke everything onto the page. Once you have everything (or most) of what you want to say, then go back and start to work on style, tone, etc. If you're still stuck, try starting from the bottom - work on the conclusion and work your way up. Good luck!
Not a question, just a giant THANK YOU for offering this newsletter up to us. I'm happy to contribute to its production, and I'm really appreciating the different pieces you're sharing with us.
Thank YOU, Gena! That is so nice. :)
Have you ever gone deep (or do you know anyone who has) into what "shaming" really means? It seems like a term that's broad and emotionally loaded enough that it makes discussion hard. Societies need to have some way to communicate what sort of norms they want to promote - some of it we do through laws, but laws are rigid and extreme and we don't really want the cops writing tickets for skipping out on your turn to bring snacks to the soccer game.
So there are various types of consequences for antisocial behavior - you lose friends because you keep saying racist things, your spouse divorces you because you refuse to be a partner in running the household, you don't get promoted or elected because you bully and belittle your staff. Those same forces and consequences also operate for less savory reasons though: you decline to tolerate harassment, you don't have the right clothes or cultural references because you're poor, you refuse to act properly ashamed of your fat body.
Is there a way in our language to distinguish good shaming from bad shaming? Of course, we're not all going to agree about which shaming is the good kind, but we can maybe agree that it's not wrong to use certain tools to promote the society you want to live in, and tolerate other's good faith attempts to do the same. Then maybe we can get to more advanced discussions about which tools and consequences are appropriate. I think this is probably the same discussion as the "cancel culture" debate.
I love this question! I've been thinking a lot about shaming because of all the nonsense commentary over 'cancel culture' and how - as you wrote - there are good kinds of shaming. I tend to think of that good shaming as simple "consequences." There are consequences for being a jerk, or a racist (or voting for a jerk and a racist). The bad kind of shaming you're talking about is really more like harassment, right? So I think if we could call things what they are in a specific, narrow way - it would help. That said, I really like the idea of coming up with new variations on shaming, as well, to distinguish the two!
Thank you! I do think being more specific is a big helpful step. Yeah, now that you mention it, most bad shaming is better described as harassment. Maybe not all though - maybe not something like privately warning your buddies at the country club not to hire that woman because she's "difficult." I don't know a good word for that sort of attempt to inflict consequences for behavior and intimidate women into compliance. Especially because "intimidating someone into compliance" is a good thing when we're talking something like "stop making comments about women's bodies at work or you'll get fired!"
Reading back what you wrote, it occurs to me that where it really gets controversial (probably because that's where it gets powerful) is when we tell our friends, bring the behavior into the light, and use our collective voices. They don't call it "cancelling" when we vote against the abuser, but they do when someone points out publicly that he's an abuser and we should vote against him.
Oh, and can I tell you what a breath of fresh air it is to have these threads? Thank you so much for your affirming, supportive language. It's the way we talk with our friends in real life and so much not how we have to exist online in social media spaces, where it often feels like somebody is waiting for us to make the slightest slip-up so they can pounce.
Hi Jessica! I just wanted to say I’m a big fan of your writing and as a student in the UK, your book the Purity Myth was massively influential for my undergraduate dissertation on exploring sexualised images of girlhood and the ‘paedophile culture’ we have in society, so thank you so much for that! It inspired me to do an MA in Gender and I’m working on my next dissertation further exploring this topic but with an intersectional lens (looking at concepts like missing white girl syndrome, the infantilisation of white girls and the adultification of black girls potentially in tabloid ‘news’.) I wondered if you had any favourite writers/academics/authors/articles who write anything in this area, or really any favourite writers in general? I also wondered what made you want to get into this field and if you have any tips for someone looking for a career in gender and women’s rights fields in any capacity? It always seems to come down to unpaid internships in the UK which is super frustrating and exploitative! Sorry for the long question and I hope this isn’t too complicated or confusing, it’s just amazing to be able to ask a question of someone I admire :) Thank you very much!
Thanks so much! I'm so glad The Purity Myth helped you - and very exciting about your dissertation! Let me think about who is writing about purity right now and come back to the thread - I'll find some folks for you. In general, tho, there are fantastic writers covering related but broader issues. Some of my favorites are Tressie McMillan Cottom, Soraya Nadia McDonald, Kate Manne, and Roxane Gay.
In terms of what made me want to get into feminist writing - it really was stumbling into a Women's Studies class that got me started. Just being around other women who felt the same way I did made me realize that all the things I had been thinking and feeling weren't weird (that it was actually the world that was weird). And yeah; it's very similar in the U.S. re: internships, though most places now have cut out the unpaid internships after lots of pushing.
I have some advice about careers in the other comments, but do as much as you can to connect yourself with the people who doing the kind of things you'd like to do. And don't always go to the usual suspects; think about reaching out to smaller organizations. Hope that's helpful!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking your time out to answer my question, and your recommendations of writers and career advice :) It was so helpful and really amazing to have a question answered by someone I admire so much! I’m looking forward to reading your work in the future!
Hi Jessica! Big fan here. I’ve been looking forward to your next book for some time now (it was going to be called the misogynists but you said on Instagram a while back the the new title would be “all in her head”). Any idea when that might come out? Also, Im curious: why the title change? :)
Hi Vanessa! I don't have a release date for my next book, but probably late this year / early next? I'm in the process of finishing it up now. (The delay, obviously, is mostly pandemic-related)
The title change happened for a couple of reasons - in part because I changed publishers, in part because the framing of the book shifted a bit. It went from being sort of an examination of modern misogyny to looking at modern misogyny through the lens of how women are gaslit. Either way, I hope you like it once it's out in the world!
I cannot wait for this book! (I also caught Kate Manne's recent talk that discussed gaslighting, and I'm here to say, "more please".)
Oooh can you link me to that talk if it’s online? Would love to listen to it!
Absolutely!
He Said, She Listened: Mansplaining, Gaslighting, and Epistemic Entitlement
What are the underlying causes of misogyny? In many cases, it stems from a wrongheaded sense of moral entitlement to a woman’s sexual, emotional, reproductive, and material labor.
In this session, writer and philosopher Kate Manne will introduce another form of entitlement that can be thought of as epistemic: a sense of entitlement to be the designated knower or informant, or the agent who issues authoritative explanations. Professor Manne will connect the notion of epistemic entitlement with a variety of problematic behaviors, including mansplaining, gaslighting, and misogynistic anger at the expert testimony of women.
https://www.ecornell.com/keynotes/view/K021921a/
Sort of similarly Dr. Jess Taylor notes (25:00) how CBT can actually reinforce victim-blaming narrative as women who experienced sexual violence are encouraged to change their thinking and behavioural patterns. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsFb6Wb8MAQ&feature=emb_logo
Yay! Congrats on inching closer to finishing it. Can’t wait to read it :)
Hi Jessica, this has been going on for a while, and I don't want to ask something that's already been asked, but I want to tell you that I appreciate all the work you've done over the years to fight the fight. I'm sure it's not always easy, but you're doing your part to make the world a better, more inclusive place for everyone. I'm a regular reader of your pieces and always feel like you make an important point in almost everything you write. Thank you for all the work you do.
Hi Bill, thank you so much - that's really kind. Thanks for all the support 😌
Hi Jessica! I'm a big fan of your writing, interested to know how you feel about the political landscape now Trump is gone - are you hopeful? Jaded? Do you think Biden can/will make a difference in women's lives?
Thanks for the support! I do feel like there's going to be a difference with the new administration - even just that sense of urgency and fear has lessened so much since January. And we already know that Biden undoing some of the most discriminatory policies (particularly against immigrants & the LGBTQ community) is going to have an immediate impact. So I'm hopeful!
Obviously, that doesn't mean we rest on our laurels. I almost feel more hyped up to demand change, to be honest, because we have a better opportunity to make it happen. I want feminists to hold Biden accountable every single day!
All that said, of course I'm worried - about a lot of things but at the top of mind is Roe and all of the state level rollbacks of abortion rights and trans rights. There's going to be plenty of work ahead of us - I'm just hopeful that we won't be so burned out from having Trump as president that it will be a little bit easier to get that work done.
Here's a question I often ask myself: do you feel obligated to stick to a schedule for this newsletter? Like, do you feel like you have to post even when you have nothing to post about (I know, it's not like there's nothing going on, but sometimes I, for example, am busy absorbing and digesting and percolating, and I don't feel like I have anything to draw or write about that can't wait till I am ready, which would be who knows when.) I once tried to do a daily comic, just to see if I had one in me, and after a few months I realized it was amusing and cute, but it was such a watered down version of me that I didn't love it. That said, there's something to writing or drawing every day when one can. On the other hand, when we're women and caregivers we have to allow for an organic schedule -- we're not machines! Why should we pretend to be?
And another thing that comes to mind is how back in the days of RSS feeds, I remember that so many of the blogs I was subscribed to began posting multiple times a day, and began driving me nuts. The HuffPo grew into a sort of giant mall and I stopped reading anything on it, and I felt like my own work was lost in a vast morass of half-baked (unpaid) postings.
So, yeah, do you feel free to not post when you feel like silence is more productive? I sometimes say so in my Patreon -- I check in to say, hey, I'm overwhelmed and here's why. I think sometimes other people might feel seen in just that admission.
Ah such a good question and one I'm thinking a lot about lately!! Right now I don't feel like I need to stick to a specific schedule where I'm always posting a column on Mondays, for example, or always having an open thread on Thursdays. The world doesn't work like that and sometimes I won't find anything to write a whole column about until later in the week.
But I do feel like I made a commitment to readers - especially as we move to subscriber-only - to have a certain level of content and engagement here (even if that doesn't mean the same thing every week). I do want to build something, though, where there's enough trust between me and my readers where if I am sick one week or need to take a break that no one - even if they're paying - is going to be pissed. I feel like if I'm giving my all to the newsletter and readers can see that, they're also going to understand that we're all human. :)
And I totally hear you on the posting like ten things a day - I don't want to inundate folks and I don't think anyone is interested in hearing from me quite that much haha. I feel like it's going to be a learning experience as I go along. While this feels very much like blogging in a lot of ways, it's not - and I need to feel my way along as I go. Does that make sense?
Yes, it makes total sense! I think it’s good to make a point of being human, as it gives the rest of us permission to be human, too. I’m a big believer in leading by example in all these things — not churning things out like a machine, taking breaks when needed or called for (to rest, to grieve, to be a good caregiver, etc). My patrons are very understanding and that’s actually inspiring, not to mention deeply touching to me!
I’m interested in hearing how we create a thoughtful way to simultaneously support sexual assault victims and skeptically inquire into the genesis of assault claims. Background: feminist assault “survivor “ (although I hate that term) and former criminal defense attorney. I spent a career dealing with perpetrators and trying to balance ethical, vigorous defense with internal disgust directed at every aspect of the system. A few of my clients were not guilty (most were), and their trauma and its attendant effects on family, career and social life was life-changing for them. As MeToo rightly emboldens more women to open up, we have to figure out how to be supportive yet critical at the same time, lest we risk a knee-jerk “believe all women” narrative.
Hi Ellen, thanks for the thoughtful question. I published an anthology called Believe Me that addresses some of these thoughts - I think if we start at a place where we find women believable and credible (which right now we don't on a broad scale) it would be transformative. That's why the saying has always been 'believe women' and not 'believe all women' - it's about starting from a place where we find women believable as men, not believing anything a woman says because she's a woman.
I feel like if our default reaction is trust - again, in the same way it is for men - that's all we need for an investigation to proceed like it would for anyone coming forward about any crime. We still ask questions, we still investigate, we still look for evidence - but coming from a place that assumes a crime was committed rather than an assumption that 'women lie' is going to make it easier to find the truth.
The other thing that you bring up, though it's tangential to what you're asking, is the criminal justice system - and I think it's so important that we talk about that. Because I do think that being overly-focused on criminal justice consequences is a mistake. Both because the criminal justice system is misogynist and racist - and because when we focus on things that are illegal rather than immoral we end up with narratives like "he wasn't as bad as Harvey Weinstein" any time someone is abusive in a way that doesn't break a law. Sorry to get off course and rambling - I think I'll write about this separately. :)
I'd also love to hear your perspective as someone who worked on these cases!
Thanks for responding! Sometimes I feel like I send comments into the ether to die. The problem with criminal justice is that it infrequently provides justice, mostly because (even where victims are invited to have their say) there is no dialogue between perpetrators and victims, and pain/rage is the lexicon of choice. And it’s a hammer—everything becomes a nail from the hammer’s perspective. But what is flattening about the discourse around criminal justice is that the venues in which it’s discussed are provocative to get eyeballs, when the issues are far more complex. For example, if I say (both as a victim and as an advocate for an accused perpetrator) that “all rapes are not the same” it gets twisted by enraged responses that don’t address the point, or even worse, resort to irrational false premises in order to fuel vitriol. My clients inarguably did commit despicable acts, fueled by rage and hatred, drugs and alcohol. They were also often badly damaged themselves. I just cannot believe that it salves society’s wounds to park them in an even more brutal environment (prison) where they rarely receive any means to be redeemed. But I’m open to any questions & willing to share more fully—I’d really like to participate in this conversation.
I don't have a question. I just wanted to say I appreciated many of the questions and responses. I'm definitely going to look into the recommendations. I loved the cooking questions though things have been immensely difficult long before the pandemic so I stopped cooking. But the mention of cheesecake got my attention. I look forward to reading more questions and answers <3
Thank you, Rae-Ann!! Appreciate that and will definitely post that cheesecake ;)
Hi, Jessica! Thank you so much for your work--everything you write is just so spot on. My question: what is some of your favorite feminist fiction? I'd love to do a deep dive into some classics, or anything circa 19th/early 20th century, but I'd love to hear about any books or authors you'd recommend. Thanks!
I loved this article about feminist utopian fiction going back to the Victorian era, and want to check some of these books out!
https://www.currentaffairs.org/2019/07/world-without-men
Ooh man, this is hard! In terms of earlier stuff I love Zora Neale Hurston and The Yellow Wallpaper, and obviously later on The Handmaid's Tale and Beloved. My favorite contemporary feminist fiction writer is Carmen Maria Machado - everything she does is so smart and so different than what everyone else is doing. She's so impressive and honestly I could read her all day every day.
Hi Jessica! I’m probably your biggest fan, I first read ‘You’re a Hardcore Feminist I Swear’ in my Women and Gender studies class my first year of university and I was hooked. I’ve read everyone of your books since! You’ve truly inspired me to become a feminist writer.
What inspired you to become a writer? Also, if you have any tips for someone starting out! Thank you, love your work.
Hi Kassidy - thank you for the support!!! This warms my cold jaded heart :)
For me, writing was sort of a given - I just was always writing from the time I was kid. It felt like I *had* to write or I was going to burst, sometimes. Still, I wasn't that good at it; I was much better at math and science and actually went to a math and science high school because I figured I'd go on to something in STEM. But writing was what I loved so I just kept taking English classes and journalism classes (and a shocking amount of Shakespeare classes) until I got better.
I think for me, realizing that I could change someone's mind - or make someone laugh - through writing was such a huge deal, I knew I had to do it.
In terms of tips for someone starting out - do twice as much reading that you do writing! Read everyone, read people you love, read people you hate. And I know it sounds trite, but I really do think what made me a good writer was that I wrote constantly - so write as much as you can about everything. (More than any journalism class I took, writing five to ten posts a day on Feministing is what made me good)
For more career stuff, there are a few comments below where I go into specifics. It's definitely hard out there, so be prepared for rejection and not getting stuff published right away - that's normal. I was writing for years before I got a byline.
Good luck and keep me updated!!
As a fellow writer who's excitedly followed your career for years — what recommendations do you have to journalists looking to work in multiple different areas, as you have done?
Just always be pitching - reaching out to editors at the publications you want to write for, book agents you want to work with, people who starting new content platforms that you think are interesting! I think all of it is, at the end of the day, is about relationships - whether it's the relationship you have with your readers and developing that, or the relationships you have professionally that you need to nurture.
It's a lot of work, and I won't pretend that there's not a good deal of luck involved. But as I've said in a couple of different comments below, I think developing those relationships - and your reputation as someone great to work with - is key.
No real question (though I have many) just wanted you to know that Sex Object was super powerful and important to me as a dude, parent, citizen, and human. So thanks for that!
Thank you, Jeff! That's so lovely to hear and I appreciate you taking the time to let me know :)
Hi, Jessica! Did your early work also have a feminist focus? If not, how did you become involved in feminist writing?
Hi Gillian - it definitely did, though I don't know that I necessarily recognized it. I always loved writing and politics, and had a feminist bent to papers I wrote in high school and early college when I was studying journalism. Then later, when I got into Women's Studies, it was certainly true! When I graduated, though, I didn't get straight into writing - I went to graduate school first, and worked retail for a while until I found a job at a nonprofit. I was able to "write" there - but it was mostly press releases and website copy.
It really wasn't until I started Feministing and started writing for myself that I was doing feminist writing in earnest.
Hi Jessica! Happy March! :)
I've always wanted to ask you - Is there any must-share advice you have for young women in the field of gender studies, repro justice, etc.? Is there anything in particular that you wish you knew when you were in school or starting to build your career? And, lastly, any words of wisdom or guidance for somebody who wants to make a career in the field but doesn't want to work in politics? For reference, I'm 21 and I'll be finishing undergrad in a year or so!
Also, a quick thank you for your work. I think you're awesome and I dream of writing a book that could accompany yours on the shelf someday.
Thanks, Delaney - I hope you get to write that book, I'd love to read it!
I think one of things I wish I would have known is that you don't have to work directly in feminist nonprofits or women's issues specifically to do feminist work - we need more feminists and people who are bringing a justice-minded outlook to every industry out there! So you can do feminist work where ever you are.
I think that's especially useful for someone like you, who is getting ready to graduate, to know. That said, if you want to work directly in feminism - what I wish I would have known is that you're more likely to get the experience you want working for a smaller, lesser-known organization than you are a bigger one. Like, if you get an entry-level job at a huge place, you're going to make copies and getting coffee. You'll be doing those things at a smaller org, too, but you'll also be helping in more substantive ways (at least in my experience). So don't discount local, grassroots work. I see lots of women graduate who really want to work with the big name orgs, and I get that - but there's lots to consider elsewhere.
Let me know if that's helpful or if there's anything else I can tell you!
That's all very helpful! I appreciate that and I will take it to heart. A particularly good reminder that feminist work takes place everywhere.
I'm especially glad to hear what you said about smaller orgs. I've had the chance to do volunteer work through my university with some of the bigs and, although I'm so thankful for the experience and what they do, I noticed what you said to be true. It helped me realize that I think I'd be a lot happier and feel more productive working grassroots. It's great to hear that I'm headed in a good direction with that.
I do have just one more ask, bouncing off all that. Do you have anything to say about getting in with smaller local orgs? I've found an abundance of volunteer opportunities, but things look very sparse in the internship/job realm. I figure that volunteering and networking that way is bound to get me in and paid somewhere eventually, but if you have anything else to add I'm all ears!
Thanks a million!
Yeah I hear you, those jobs can be few and far between. You're right that networking and volunteering helps - I'd also be open to moving for the right gig, if you're up for it. Some of those places also need more help than they're funded for - so you could even talk to a place you've volunteered for and ask if they'd hire you if you were able to find funding and then apply to some grants...
Do you serve on any nonprofit boards? What are the organizations you like to support that are addressing the issues you care about?
Hi Jessica! I used to be on the board for NARAL a while ago, but left because it was a conflict of interest for the issues I write about - like, I need to be able to be critical of big orgs and I can't do that if I'm on their board. That's why I don't serve on any boards right now, I want to be able to write unfettered.
That said, there so many orgs that I love! Abortion funds, of course, are doing such incredible work. I also really love the Radical Monarchs - a scouting troop for young girls of color - and Books Behind Bars in NYC.
I'm going to have an open thread soon on small orgs doing great work because I'm going to be donating 10% of subscription $ every month, so I'm hoping I'll find out about some new places, too!
I'm a data visualization dev and designer. In my free time, I like to build data visualizations related to social issues. Every year for IWD I normally like to build a small data visualization related to women's issues that could bring awareness or highlight a policy that could improve the lives of women.
I'm having a really hard time finding a topic this year, it might be because I know the pandemic has disproportionately affected women and I'm feeling the weight of it all. What would be a topic of interest to you? What do you feel hasn't been addressed enough by media or by data?
Oh man what a prompt! Do you normally do international women's issues or American issues? And actually doing something on the pandemic might be a great idea - this is not necessarily global, but all the women losing their jobs this past year is something I'd be interested in. But from a different perspective - I've already been writing a lot about how the big reason women are losing jobs is not because of the pandemic but because men aren't doing their faire share of child care. I wonder if there's a way to get into that visually? Just a re-frame of the topic.
Or something related but broader: how does it help women when men have access to paternity leave and *actually take it*
What you're doing is so cool - can't wait to see what you come up with!
Ooo can you link to some of your previous work? I'm a former data engineer in CX more now, and I would love to see!
oh hey! that's super cool!
My work is pretty scattered, old stuff on tableau public: https://public.tableau.com/profile/simone.betito#!/, some smaller work on my blog www.simonebetito.com and I recently started an Instagram @simone.viz
What's for dinner this week? And what are your daughter's favorite foods?
What's on your reading list this week? And what are your daughter's favorite books?
Signed,
a fellow mom who cooks and reads with my daughter who is five
Dinner this week: definitely tacos because Andrew makes homemade tortillas (best hobby ever), probably some pizza because we made dough for it yesterday, and I think I'm going to make some chicken cutlets as well because I really like noshing on the leftovers throughout the week.
Layla's favorite foods are so funny: She loves mac and cheese, obviously, but is also really into grilled octopus? She's the typical kid in terms of loving burgers and pizza, etc, but also will bust out with loving some random stuff - it's really fun.
I have ZERO on my reading list this week because I'm supposed to be using all my free time to write but that probably won't happen. And right now, Layla is super into these Spy Club novels - which I think are a series - and the Airbender comics. She loves any kind of graphic novel, too. Very much her jam.
Omg I love that she loves octopus haha. It is delicious!
Tell us more about the choice to go to a newsletter model. I personally love newsletters, I think it harkens back to the old school blogging, and I love flagging up a newsletter and having a cup of tea in the afternoon. Any other amazing newsletters you love?
I'm so glad you're into newsletters! I was definitely nervous - but like you said, it reminded me of blogging and I wanted to get back to that, and get back to betting on myself.
I also wanted more freedom in terms of being able to pitch longer pieces to whoever I wanted to. (When you have a columnist gig somewhere you often have to sign an exclusivity contract) Most of all, tho, I missed *this* - talking to readers and people who care about feminism. I got to scratch that itch a little bit when I did speeches - meeting people IRL and chatting - but obviously Covid made that impossible. So far, this has been so fun and fulfilling.
So many people have great newsletters!! Anne-Helen Peterson, Delia Cai, Lyz Lenz, Tressie McMillan Cottom, Jill Filipovic, etc. And I feel like I'm just sort of figuring out all the others that are around. (If folks have recs, let me know here!)
I must say, that as much as I like other newsletters, yours is the first one I actually felt like paying for. I like how we are able to interact. It sort of reminds me of the Hairpin in the good days, when all the commenters were positive and inspiring. I think you've captured that ethos here.
Thank you!! That is literally the nicest compliment I could imagine for this space!
First off, I’m so jazzed to have another platform to follow you on. Secondly, I would love to hear more about how your husband supports the themes of your work and how that was apparent from the get-go! You’ve written about this previously but I find it so uplifting and fun to read about.
Thank you!! I'm jazzed that you're jazzed!!
Andrew was a feminist before I met him, so that definitely made things easier. (He always gets irritated when people assume that he became a feminist because we're married rather than the idea that we're married because he *was* a feminist) I knew I was in okay hands because when were first chatting (over AOL haha) I mentioned that he should come to this political happy hour thing with me - we weren't dating yet, but he was new to NYC and I was trying to show him around. I said something along the lines of, it's fun but if you're looking to meet girls it's sort of a dude-fest - and he responded "why are you being so heteronormative" lol. He was joking but I was like, oh okay!
We also got together right as my first book was coming out, so he was sort of thrown in the deep end at the start of our relationship. (One of our first dates was him coming along with me when I did The Colbert Report!)
In any case, I've said it often but it really is true: having him as a partner has made my career possible in a lot of ways - and I'm sure he would say the same thing about me. It helps to marry a co-conspirator. ;)
I'm pregnant with a baby girl--what's your #1 piece of parenting advice?
Congratulations!!!! That's very exciting. My biggest piece of advice would be *take care of yourself first.* You're going to be no good to your kid if you're not doing well.
I think moms, in particular, are given this message that if they're not suffering they're not being good parents. It's almost become a competition - too many moms I know talk about how little sleep they've gotten or how they don't have a minute to themselves as if it's a good thing. And obviously parenting is work, and exhausting - especially in those early years. But the happier you are, the better mom you'll be.
I'll give you an example. Because Layla was born 3 months early and in the NICU for a long time, I was obsessed with breastfeeding. I pumped for months while she was sick and being tube fed, so by the time she was getting out of the hospital I was sort of drying up. And because she was a preemie, she needed to be fed a certain amount. So I got a lactation consultant who told me to pump every hour - I was bleeding from my nipples, crying and depressed and just doing AWFUL. Finally my husband Andrew was like, fuck this we're doing formula - and you know what happened? I *finally* bonded with my daughter because I had enough brain and heart space to do it.
As they get older, too, there are all these opportunities for moms to do *the most* whether it's making your kid look super cute every day or packing intricate Valentine's for every kid in their preschool class. Your child will 100% not remember if you made a dope gift bag for their birthday party or if their room was filled with wooden educational toys.
They will remember if you were around and happy enough to have a mommy-daughter dance party in the living room before dinner. Or if you had enough energy to ask them about their day and really listen.
All of that requires that you make sure that *you* are okay first. Congratulations again - and come back and let us know what you name her. <3
I appreciate this so much! Made me cry (like everything else these days). Thank you for this and for all of your amazing work.
You're welcome! Thanks for giving me an opportunity to talk about my kid :)
Hey Jessica! Any tips for someone trying to successfully freelance write about politics and feminism? I am confident I have the knowledge and writing skills, just getting my foot in the door is so difficult. I know the industry has become a lot more saturated since you first founded Feministing, but would love any insight you have!
Hi Andrea, I think starting from the place you are - where you recognize that the industry is a bit saturated - is great. Because you're coming at it realistically. A lot of it is about relationships; if you can develop professional relationships with editors you admire, or people at publications you'd like to write for - that's a start. And obviously that doesn't mean you need to meet them physically, but you can reply to their tweets or add a thought to something they worked on, for example. That way, when you're pitching something, your name is going to sound familiar to them.
Again, because you know lots of people are writing about feminism right now - try to think about what you, specifically, can bring to the table that's different. Or what angle you can write about that hasn't been covered before. Novelty is key, I think.
Good luck!!
Hi Jessica! I’ve looked to you for wisdom many times since I found you during my college days, over a decade ago now - so first, thank you for your work. It has had such an impact on me! My question is, do you ever feel afraid before writing/publishing/posting something? And how do you move past that fear? I just finished a manuscript about sexual harassment I endured while working in Antarctica and am having a hard time taking the next step.
Thank you, Elizabeth!! That's so nice to hear :)
The truth is that I don't feel afraid. Because, as far as I'm concerned, the worst has already happened. I've already been harassed and embarrassed, been made to feel small or pushed aside what I thought to make someone else comfortable. I'm at a point where there is very little someone could do to me to make me not want to write. (Which is a privilege, obviously - I don't have to worry about losing a job, etc.)
In terms of moving past the fear you have about taking the next step with your manuscript - what is the specific fear? Maybe if you can identify it and suss out what would happen if those fears came true, you could think about how you'd react to them and if it would be as bad as you think.
For example, when I published Sex Object - which was my most personal book - I figured that the best thing I could do was imagine that any bad thing that might happen once it came out *would* happen. (My parents being sad about a particular chapter, for example, or someone who I wrote about not favorably reading the part about them) And you know what - those things did happen! I had an abusive ex in college, so decades ago, that I wrote about and didn't use his real name etc but he still found it, read it, and tried quite hard to get in touch with me. The "worst" happened and it was fine.
None of this is to say that there aren't real consequences to writing - there are. I don't want to pretend that it's not hard to write something personal and then have people trash it, or harass you for it. It's incredibly difficult, and it something that's super personal and you can decide if you want to deal with. But I think really laying out what those consequences are and preparing for them can help.
Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to give me such a thoughtful answer. This was so incredibly helpful, and I am definitely going to try identifying the specific fears. Thanks Jessica!
What's the strangest response to your work you've ever received? Someone who wildly misinterpreted what you said, or who drew a conclusion that was just bizarre?
There are so many to choose from!! After The Purity Myth was published, more than a few people thought I was arguing that abstaining from sex was bad or stupid, or that I had something against young women who decided to wait to have sex. (As opposed to my actual argument, which was just that whatever women decide to do sexually should have no bearing on how the world interprets their moral character.)
It was also sort of funny that when Sex Object came out, lots of dudes thought I was trying to give myself this great compliment - so there were a decent number of reactions along the lines of, you are not hot enough to be a sex object. It didn't occur to them that I could be writing about objectification as a *bad* thing
Can we block and report commentators, like Huey Helene Alcaro below?
I am going to ask Substack if readers (rather than just me) can report comments - will get back to you!
1] Why did this writer want to block me? 2] Was there a resolution about who can block people?
Thank you!
What was the first book you read you wanted to climb into & stay there forever - and what was the story/novel character that first made you think, 'This is me' (or, 'This could be me')?
Ahhhhh what a great question! The books/characters I remember relating to a lot as a kid were Anne of Green Gables, Caddie Woodlawn and Kristy in the Babysitter's Club - so pretty on brand haha. The first book I wanted to stay in forever came later and was definitely One Hundred Years of Solitude because I still re-read it twice a year.
I LOVE your question.
What are you reading? What's on the top of your music playlist these days?
Right now I'm reading books by Anna North (feminist fiction) & Rebecca Carroll (memoir) and because I share a Spotify account with my daughter the top songs are probably all Spice Girls (and because I stopped listening to new music in the late 90s the songs below that are definitely a mix of Janet Jackson and A Tribe Called Quest)
Any new and interesting writers you’d recommend? Favorite writer few people have read (but should)?
I don't know how *new* these writers are but here are a couple that I think are amazing and should be superstars already:
Mayukh Sen, a food writer who has a book coming out, "Tastemakers: Seven Immigrant Women Who Revolutionized Food in America"
Soraya Nadia McDonald, who is literally the most brilliant critic working right now and who needs to be given her own podcast or something as soon as possible
And most folks familiar with trans issues probably know Julia Serano and her books, but I wanted to name check her because I feel like she doesn't quite get the attention she deserves
I'm *sure* I will think of more, maybe I can do a regular feature where I link to folks that maybe you haven't heard of!!
Hi Jessica! Will you be looking for guest writers or contributors for All in Her Head? I would love to submit something if so!
Hey Bonnie! I haven't thought about this yet - tho I love the idea generally. Right now I'm focusing on getting the newsletter off the ground and developing a strong subscriber base so it can be a long-standing project. Once I do that, then I'll definitely think about how to expand or consider next steps!
Oh this please! I'd love to contribute -- especially at the intersection of healthy sexual ethics and the church (The Purity Myth was one of the cornerstones of my thesis).
Do you have a group chat with other feminist writers or are things more competitive? How do you cultivate a professional community?
Ahh I love this question! I don't really have a group chat with other feminist writers - I do have frequent individual chats - but things aren't 'competitive' either.
Obviously, lots of us are friends and so we're in touch over text or Twitter DMs or whatever but there isn't like a secret feminist cabal group chat (tho now that I type that I sort of really want one??). And even with the writers who I'm not close enough with to text or call, I do feel like there's a general sense of camaraderie - that's one of the nice things about social media, I suppose.
I also feel like even tho there are lots of feminist writers, we're in a moment where there's also a lot of opportunity to write about feminism for different publications and from different perspectives - and so I don't really feel competitive about the work. Mostly I feel happy that so many people are writing and talking about feminism!
That said, I do try to think about other writers when I'm pitching something or if a publication reaches out to me - like if another writer might be a better fit for the piece, or if a column I'm thinking about might be stepping on someone else's toes. For example, I was going to pitch a piece about a particular narrow issue recently but I remembered that another writer mentioned on a panel last year that they're thinking a lot about said issue so I reached out to her before pitching to see if she had anything planned on it.
And I actually think that, in part, answers your second question about cultivating a professional community - just thinking about other people is a great way to start: Making sure you know who is interested in what, and that you're in touch with folks about opportunities. I sort of got into this answering Rachel's question below - I think a huge part of creating that community is making sure you're the kind of person that others want to be in a community with! Does that make sense?
That makes a ton of sense. I am fortunate to have a community among my colleagues but have been thinking about how to expand that beyond my specific workplace. I teach HS at a Friends (Quaker) school and attempting to connect with teachers at other Friends schools seems like a logical next step, yet there are often competitive vibes between schools (sounds ludicrous, but there are about eight schools all in the same "market"). Your perspective has me thinking!
Oh it doesn't sound ludicrous, I know lots of people at Friends schools haha
I'm really curious how you manage your mental health while constantly writing about such important but infuriating/triggering topics. I have a hard time being able to unplug and not letting the feminist rage and frustration control me after writing or recording about sexual assault. Thank you for all of your work!!
Hi Lottie! I will be honest - my mental health has absolutely taken a hit over the last decade because of the work I do. Writing about the stuff I write about is part of it, but it's also the hate & threats I get as well. (And I don't think that's specific to professional writers or people with bigger platforms - anyone who talks or writes about feminism has been the target of obnoxious or hateful reactions.)
I try to be proactive about taking care of my mental health - it's the only way I can do this kind of work. So I have a therapist, obviously, and a few years ago I started taking Zoloft, which helped a lot. And like you write, it's really hard to unplug and let things go - this is not the kind of job where you stop at 5pm and can just let it go! Caring about these issues is a 24/7 gig and that's what makes it so hard.
Sometimes what helps me is just totally trying to shut my brain down by watching something mindless, but something a bit healthier that has been really helpful is cooking. I find that doing something tangible, with my hands, helps me to get out of my head. So if there's anything you can do like that - cooking, knitting, painting (I even really got into dot-to-dot books for a while!) - I highly recommend it.
Good luck and thanks for the work you're doing!
Hi Jessica! Huge fan of you work, and assign it in all of my classes at a graduate school for social work! I, like many other women, am in the thick of this pandemic with my 2-year-old child and am feeling burned out, angry, and disappointed in the lack of support given to working moms. I'm also, frankly, really tired of the toxic messaging around all of our being, "heroes." I'd prefer policymakers to be held accountable, I'd prefer more of a safety net for the demands of modern motherhood, etc. What do you do with your angst about this? The relentlessness of parenthood, the lack of acknowledgement about the pandemic's impact on working parents, etc.? I'm tired of the platitudes about, "how hard it must be." It doesn't change anything. I guess I'm curious where you put these feelings?
(I would apologize for this sounding angry, but that would be feeding into my internalized misogyny!)
Thank you, Erin - both for the kind words and for assigning my writing! That's awesome. :)
YES I AM WITH YOU. I have so much anger about this, and it's hard to know what to do with it. Lucky for me, I write and so I can really dump all of my angst out onto the page. A lot of times I'll just write in a journal, not even anything to be published, because as cliche as it is - it really does help just to get the thoughts out there. I also have a group chat of other moms where we can just bitch about stuff all day long randomly - and that has been a lifesaver.
The other thing that's hard is that normally I want to say - let's channel that anger into action! But who the fuck has time for that?? It's a vicious cycle because of course we'd like to change things but we literally have zero time and energy to be able to do it.
I think that's why I've been writing a lot about men lately and how it would be great if instead of talking about how the pandemic is putting women out of work, we could talk about how men not doing their fair share is actually the problem. Because I feel like if we could reframe this conversation so that it wasn't always up to us to have it, we might be able to get somewhere.
In any case, I'd just say if there are opportunities to hold people accountable - anyone from policymakers to journalists - take them if you can, but the priority is getting through the day.
Maybe we can have an angst-dump thread live on this site somewhere for those folks who don't have group chats where they can bitch about this insanity. I can start a furious moms thread - what do you think?
FURIOUS MOMS THREAD would be a serious balm. Thanks for the solidarity!
right?? Ok, I may need to make this happen
How did you go about planning to transform this community into a business? What advice would you have for a creative with a killer network and a passionate POV who wants to turn her mission into her living?
Very much so! This is a bit of an "asking for a friend situation," and I'm going to continue in that vein if I can get a follow up. Do you have any advice for someone who's in the chrysalis stage of this transformation for how to divide your working time between the work that's keeping the lights on, and the passion project that you hope represents your future?
YES this is so hard! I was doing that for a few years while I got Feministing off the ground and it's no joke. Especially because a passion project really does take so much work and effort, which is hard to give when you have a paying job. What I did - and this isn't going to work for everyone - was I did the least amount of paying work I could that would pay the bills so that I could focus on the passion project. Now, I was in my 20s and didn't have a kid so that worked fine then. It's not something I could do now.
This is a terrific question! Obviously, with Substack, the hope is that I can build up enough of a subscriber base to make a decent salary. Because I do really feel like outside of people believing in independent feminist journalism - a lot of us are dying for a community that isn't inundated with gross sexists. And it feels like there aren't a lot of communities for feminist minded women, tbh. Like, there are some closed Facebook groups I guess but who wants to be on Facebook anymore??
In terms of advice on turning a mission into a living - WHEW. As I'm sure you already know, it is not easy. Especially because the internet is saturated with people who, like you and I, want to work for ourselves and do something important. I got started in a much different climate and so I think a lot of my success was about timing *but* I think the other thing that helped me was that I did something slightly different than what other people were doing.
So when Feministing started, there were definitely other feminist blogs out there but we were one of the only group blogs at the time - which meant that we were producing more content than other folks, which meant that when people searched for feminist blogs, or posts on a particular topic, we had a lot more links come up in search results. All of which is to say: if you can find a way to set yourself apart a bit, that can be incredibly helpful.
The other thing - and I'm sure you know this - develop a reputation that makes people want to work with you and help you succeed. I'd like to think that one of the reasons I do well is that I do well by others. Whenever I can help someone with something, I do. I try to prop other writers up as much as I can, and do favors as often as is possible. I also try to be someone who is easy to work with - when editors are talking to each other and my name comes up, I want to know that they'll say that I wasn't precious about taking notes, that I was prompt and handed in clean copy, and I was just generally a nice person.
You'd be surprised at how many people are assholes, or entitled, when working with others. Be the kind person, and do the kind of work, that other people want to get behind.
Hope that is helpful!!
As a writer and mother, how do you organize your days especially now? Asking as a new mom
Whew! That's a hard one. I'm lucky to have an older kid right now - Layla is 10 years old, which has made the pandemic a lot easier. She's in school most of the day (whether it's remote learning or actually in class) and because of her age she can entertain herself, make lunch for herself if she's hungry, take a bath, etc It makes a huge difference the older they get. (Even as a new mom I was amazed at how each month got easier - the day Layla started holding her own bottle I was *thrilled*)
Still, my days are organized around what my kid is up to - my husband takes her in the mornings and I take her in the afternoon after school. So if she has an activity, I have an activity. It can make writing difficult, because you'll get into a flow and all of a sudden you have to stop to take your kid to a playdate outside, or help with math homework, etc.
And so my days aren't really organized, to be honest - I take time where I can. And I think that was the most important thing I've learned since becoming a mom: to try to work as flexibly as I can. When I tried to have set writing hours or a strict schedule, it never worked out because (as you know) shit happens - whether it's your kid getting sick, or whatever - and then I'd feel guilty for breaking my habit.
So the best thing I learned how to do was to not feel bad about myself or my work when I wasn't able to to keep to a schedule or a deadline, and to give myself a break - and to normalize my daughter seeing me working and not feeling guilty about that.
There are definitely days where she wants to play with me or do something, and for a while I felt bad about saying no - but the truth is, it's *good* for her to see me writing and working! And instead of sort of dismissing her or waving her away because "mom is working" I try to get her involved and excited about what I'm going.
So I try to be deliberate about saying, "actually I'm in the middle of writing a column that I'm really excited about and you can see it when I'm done." Or, I tell her that I'm writing my book and does she remember when she got to come to my last book party, etc.
Ok, so I'm rambling now haha - happy to clarify anything because I think I definitely got off track there
thanks so much!!!
Of course, thanks for asking!
I'd like to know more about how you approach your essays, your writing practices, and if there's an work you did personally or professionally to become authoritative within your work? Thanks for the opportunity to ask. I admire your work.
Thanks, Sonya! I'll be honest re: my writing practices - they're not the best. I don't have a terrific routine because my days rarely follow a set schedule, and having a kid makes keeping one really difficult. Most of the time, I do my best writing between midnight and 2am if you can believe that shit!
In terms of what I did personally/professionally to become an expert there are a few things: Before I started writing online (starting a blog etc) I had gotten a MA degree in Women's Studies and worked for a couple of nonprofit feminist organizations - one American org and another international org that did feminist advocacy within the UN.
I do think those experiences all helped me and shaped my point of view, but that said I don't think you need to follow a particular path to become authoritative in feminism.
I think the best thing you can do is *read* - like, obsessively. Because at the end of the day the thing that helped me learn the most about feminism, culture and politics was just reading every day - reading books, reading magazines, reading blogs - and, most importantly, reading people that weren't necessarily the usual suspects. There's a great feminist canon out there, obviously, but some of the things that changed my mind on issues or made me smarter were posts or articles from writers I had never heard of before.
Similarly, one of the things that has taught me the most has been listening to the experiences of other women - and because of the nature of what I do, I've had the opportunity to listen to a lot! Whether it was hearing people's stories through Feministing's comment section or talking to folks after my speeches at colleges, I learned *so much* about where the movement was going (or where it needed to go) just by listening to women's stories or the work that activists were doing on a local level.
For example, there is a big difference between learning about abortion rights from reading the press releases of a national women's org and listening to a woman in South Dakota who is raising money for abortion funds. That's sort of what I mean about not relying on the usual suspects.
In any case that is probably a longer answer than you were looking for, but hope it's helpful!!
Thank you. This is really helpful. I've been reading like crazy, or at least until the pandemic hit. Hearing other voices to sense into the movement is right on. Looking for more ways to do so daily.
Do you remember a piece that came out a year or two ago about the overwhelming number of women who work in community management/social media positions with low appreciation? I can see it in my mind's eye but cannot find it and it's driving me bonkers, and your email came along at exactly the right moment of frustration for me to ask such a silly question b/c it involves feminism, writing and culture. 🤦🏻♀️
Oh man I don't remember this! I even did a quick Google search to see if I could find it because I do remember what you're talking about...maybe someone else here will be able to help??
Found it! In case you're interested. Sorry I braindumped into your questions. https://www.wired.com/story/how-social-media-became-a-pink-collar-job/
Ah thank you!! I remember this one! So glad you found it
Just coming here to say how amazing you are, how much I love and admire your work. Thank you!
Aw, thanks Ben! I really appreciate that :)
How did you become so cool?
haha love you. <3
Do you have a favorite recipe for garlic scape pesto?
Yes! The NYT one is terrific tho I sub out pine nuts for the sunflower seeds. I'm also really lucky because my dad has a garden when he gets a TON of scapes every year so it's become tradition to make this: https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1015301-garlic-scape-pesto
Thank you! I get my scapes from the farmers market and adore them.
They're THE BEST. Scape season is the best season.
I was an Eat Me subscriber and remember thinking, "Yay, a fellow garlic scape lover!"
What is your absolute favorite thing to cook? Why? Willing to share the recipe?
Ahhh this is such a great question!! So I think when it comes to my favorite thing to *serve* it's my mom's cheesecake because it's literally the easiest thing to make and people are blown away by it. In terms of my favorite thing to actually cook, anything braised or anything that takes a long time (like a good bolognese or short ribs) because it's so satisfying when it's done.
And I'm definitely happy to share that cheesecake recipe! I'll post it separately in a newsletter :)
Ahh thank you - you are the kindest! I really appreciate this. And yeah, the comments can suck but notes like this make it totally worth it xo
I also want to echo this and thank you for your work over the years. So many of the things you write have offered comfort and ideas throughout the years. Thank you for your work.
I wish there was a way to put emojis in here because I would definitely have the weeping emoji here haha
If you're on a mac Control+Command+Space brings up an emoji menu 👍
Laura you just changed my life 🤯