Thank you for sharing your story. Feelings and thoughts brought on by impact, hurt or otherwise just fucked up behavior are hard to wrestle with. Thank you for helping me reposition my head.
Thank you for telling your story. I agree with you. Forgiveness is not an act, it is a process, a two-way process. It isn’t earned or deserved because time has passed or an easy “Sorry” has been uttered. Without a true confession that harm was done to another, a true contrition, remorse for the physical and mental injury suffered by the victim, and a true commitment to change behaviour, the perpetrator has not earned forgiveness. And even if this process has been satisfied, the victim still has no obligation toward the person who has wronged them. because for them the consequences may never be resolved.
Thank you for this. I’ve been struggling with this for 30 years give or take. Healing is such a tricky thing and this pressure to forgive just muddies the water. I’ve gone back and forth about the benefit of forgiveness for myself and what I’ve learned is so close to what you are saying. In addition, I was too busy struggling to forgive that I couldn’t focus on healing. Much love to you on your journey toward whatever healing looks like to you and even more love for sharing this journey with us. Your posts always remind me that I’m not alone and that gift is tremendous. Thank you!
Abusers need to go through their own transformation. They caused the trauma. Where a person is in dealing with that trauma is their own private business. The focus on "forgiveness" is so that the abuser doesn't have to do the work, and the community can get on with it.
I, for one, don't believe in forgiveness -- it has been presented to me too often as a way to keep myself "beautiful inside." Like, "don't be bitter, it's not pretty. Don't be angry, it's unattractive. If you don't forgive, you'll be ugly inside." I think forgiveness is an invention by oppressors, designed to keep us defused, disarmed, afraid and harmless. So, I never forgive, I always remember. Fuck forgiveness.
And lest we misunderstand: I have a few friends who have made a mistake or two, and to them I say, just don't do it again. And if they do, they're out. By mistake, I mean a breach of trust, or abuse, not, say, shrinking my favorite wool pants (a friend did that!): in response to that, we laughed together, and make felt trivets that we both use every day since the day it happened two years ago, and we still smile at them, remembering that moment fondly. There was nothing to forgive. I bought new pants. Does this make sense?
Thank you, and yes, fuck forgiveness as default response.
I also agree forgiveness may work for some.
Which reminds me of the face & body covering clothes parts of all three best known monotheistic desert tribe religions insist that women wear.
A lot of women claim it is their choice to wear these clothes and that they find this choice empowering. As with women choosing forgiveness, that is totally up to them - but let's not rewrite history: it's men who first forced them into these clothes, as it also was and is men who insist that it's the role of women to forgive men whatever they do.
Thank you for sharing your story. Feelings and thoughts brought on by impact, hurt or otherwise just fucked up behavior are hard to wrestle with. Thank you for helping me reposition my head.
Thank you for telling your story. I agree with you. Forgiveness is not an act, it is a process, a two-way process. It isn’t earned or deserved because time has passed or an easy “Sorry” has been uttered. Without a true confession that harm was done to another, a true contrition, remorse for the physical and mental injury suffered by the victim, and a true commitment to change behaviour, the perpetrator has not earned forgiveness. And even if this process has been satisfied, the victim still has no obligation toward the person who has wronged them. because for them the consequences may never be resolved.
Thank you for this. I’ve been struggling with this for 30 years give or take. Healing is such a tricky thing and this pressure to forgive just muddies the water. I’ve gone back and forth about the benefit of forgiveness for myself and what I’ve learned is so close to what you are saying. In addition, I was too busy struggling to forgive that I couldn’t focus on healing. Much love to you on your journey toward whatever healing looks like to you and even more love for sharing this journey with us. Your posts always remind me that I’m not alone and that gift is tremendous. Thank you!
Abusers need to go through their own transformation. They caused the trauma. Where a person is in dealing with that trauma is their own private business. The focus on "forgiveness" is so that the abuser doesn't have to do the work, and the community can get on with it.
I, for one, don't believe in forgiveness -- it has been presented to me too often as a way to keep myself "beautiful inside." Like, "don't be bitter, it's not pretty. Don't be angry, it's unattractive. If you don't forgive, you'll be ugly inside." I think forgiveness is an invention by oppressors, designed to keep us defused, disarmed, afraid and harmless. So, I never forgive, I always remember. Fuck forgiveness.
And lest we misunderstand: I have a few friends who have made a mistake or two, and to them I say, just don't do it again. And if they do, they're out. By mistake, I mean a breach of trust, or abuse, not, say, shrinking my favorite wool pants (a friend did that!): in response to that, we laughed together, and make felt trivets that we both use every day since the day it happened two years ago, and we still smile at them, remembering that moment fondly. There was nothing to forgive. I bought new pants. Does this make sense?
Anyway, no! No forgiveness. It's a scam.
Spot on Jessica.
Thank you, and yes, fuck forgiveness as default response.
I also agree forgiveness may work for some.
Which reminds me of the face & body covering clothes parts of all three best known monotheistic desert tribe religions insist that women wear.
A lot of women claim it is their choice to wear these clothes and that they find this choice empowering. As with women choosing forgiveness, that is totally up to them - but let's not rewrite history: it's men who first forced them into these clothes, as it also was and is men who insist that it's the role of women to forgive men whatever they do.