I didn’t realize choice feminism had ever gone away! The problem is that the ant-feminists always use moral language. Staying home is “the right and moral” thing to do and coming back with it’s my choice is a horrible response and it affects how everyone sees an issue. When one of my friends recently put her daughter in daycare, her sister who is a full time working physician told her she was traumatizing her for life. I myself as a pediatrician fall into this trap when I ask new moms if they are planning on using child care and when they say no,they are staying home I say that’s great but when they say they are planning to use childcare I am generally not as enthusiastic that the moms are returning to work. When we don’t have a moral framework about why it is a good thing for mothers to work and for men to share in childcare and housework the other side will always win, as we see now.
“ Our decisions impact other women. Even the small ones, even if we don’t want to admit it.” I never do self-deprecating humor or denigrate myself for a laugh because every time I do that I’m crapping on someone who identifies with me. And I can tell you, it’s not an easy standard to maintain as I watch my peers get so much more adulation for expressing self-loathing than I do for upholding my right to a decent self-esteem and self-value! People like a woman more when she doesn’t like herself, or perhaps they only want her to feel good when THEY tell her she’s [beautiful, smart, valuable] rather than when she asserts it all for herself (in which case she’s full of herself or “conceited,” a word that sends red flags flapping in the air for me whenever I hear it.)
It’s so hard to cut through the crap of patriarchal norms of femininity. And yes, I still like my red lipstick. But I won’t shave my legs for anyone! 😂
Sad, but true, and it's taken me a LONG time to realize it. You're not allowed to love yourself until someone else tells you you're lovable against your protests or something. If you already knew you were loved, or lovable, it doesn't count. This country is messed up.
Yes, thank you! I immediately thought about the gushing, fawning stories about the Maternity Ranch Evangelicals have set up in Texas. The Washington Post had a completely uncritical long article about how wonderful these Evangelical women are for supporting pregnant women, without any real discussion of the hefty dose of conservative proselytizing about female submission that they dish out. The tone suggested that Evangelical women were empowering women to keep their babies with nary a word about their complicity in the shredding of the social safety net and the stripping away of women's rights.
I wish I had something insightful to say, but all I've got is a mini-rant. I've been requesting all my clinical notes from the numerous psychotherapists I consulted with over the years. In them, I repeatedly mentioned instances of abuse and harassment. They were repeatedly chalked up to cognitive distortion and "feeling" abused. Every time. Without seeing the video, it gives me same vibe: It's not women’s economic insecurity that's the problem! It's your thoughts about women’s economic insecurity that are the problem!
I have so many thoughts, but I’m exhausted (from the day and the patriarchy 😄). I agree with everything you wrote. I stopped dying my hair…5-6 years ago, I think, and I’m 95% gray. I push back on every woman who says “I could never” or “my gray is ugly, not pretty like yours” (and it happens weekly, at least). False. You’ve internalized the idea that women aren’t supposed to age, that our value is in the quantity and strength of the boners we give men, and that your natural self is *ugly*. All FALSE.
YES! During the start of the pandemic my gray was coming in and I really liked it - I regret dying it back and am starting that growing out process again right now! But it's so frustrating because even as feminist as I am, there is a nagging voice telling me I'll look older AS IF THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT. Internalized misogyny is a bitch.
I didn’t realize choice feminism had ever gone away! The problem is that the ant-feminists always use moral language. Staying home is “the right and moral” thing to do and coming back with it’s my choice is a horrible response and it affects how everyone sees an issue. When one of my friends recently put her daughter in daycare, her sister who is a full time working physician told her she was traumatizing her for life. I myself as a pediatrician fall into this trap when I ask new moms if they are planning on using child care and when they say no,they are staying home I say that’s great but when they say they are planning to use childcare I am generally not as enthusiastic that the moms are returning to work. When we don’t have a moral framework about why it is a good thing for mothers to work and for men to share in childcare and housework the other side will always win, as we see now.
“ Our decisions impact other women. Even the small ones, even if we don’t want to admit it.” I never do self-deprecating humor or denigrate myself for a laugh because every time I do that I’m crapping on someone who identifies with me. And I can tell you, it’s not an easy standard to maintain as I watch my peers get so much more adulation for expressing self-loathing than I do for upholding my right to a decent self-esteem and self-value! People like a woman more when she doesn’t like herself, or perhaps they only want her to feel good when THEY tell her she’s [beautiful, smart, valuable] rather than when she asserts it all for herself (in which case she’s full of herself or “conceited,” a word that sends red flags flapping in the air for me whenever I hear it.)
It’s so hard to cut through the crap of patriarchal norms of femininity. And yes, I still like my red lipstick. But I won’t shave my legs for anyone! 😂
" People like a woman more when she doesn’t like herself" WHEW
Sad, but true, and it's taken me a LONG time to realize it. You're not allowed to love yourself until someone else tells you you're lovable against your protests or something. If you already knew you were loved, or lovable, it doesn't count. This country is messed up.
Yes, thank you! I immediately thought about the gushing, fawning stories about the Maternity Ranch Evangelicals have set up in Texas. The Washington Post had a completely uncritical long article about how wonderful these Evangelical women are for supporting pregnant women, without any real discussion of the hefty dose of conservative proselytizing about female submission that they dish out. The tone suggested that Evangelical women were empowering women to keep their babies with nary a word about their complicity in the shredding of the social safety net and the stripping away of women's rights.
Omg I read that article too and was like....really??
I wish I had something insightful to say, but all I've got is a mini-rant. I've been requesting all my clinical notes from the numerous psychotherapists I consulted with over the years. In them, I repeatedly mentioned instances of abuse and harassment. They were repeatedly chalked up to cognitive distortion and "feeling" abused. Every time. Without seeing the video, it gives me same vibe: It's not women’s economic insecurity that's the problem! It's your thoughts about women’s economic insecurity that are the problem!
I have so many thoughts, but I’m exhausted (from the day and the patriarchy 😄). I agree with everything you wrote. I stopped dying my hair…5-6 years ago, I think, and I’m 95% gray. I push back on every woman who says “I could never” or “my gray is ugly, not pretty like yours” (and it happens weekly, at least). False. You’ve internalized the idea that women aren’t supposed to age, that our value is in the quantity and strength of the boners we give men, and that your natural self is *ugly*. All FALSE.
YES! During the start of the pandemic my gray was coming in and I really liked it - I regret dying it back and am starting that growing out process again right now! But it's so frustrating because even as feminist as I am, there is a nagging voice telling me I'll look older AS IF THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT. Internalized misogyny is a bitch.
THANK YOU. All of this needed to be said. And you said it well.
Amen.
As a man I tend not to enter these (online) discussions between women - but I've done many an inner eye-roll, so to speak.
YOU AND ME BOTH
Well said!!!
🙏