Yes! We briefly hired a nanny during COVID who wanted to switch to a “fulfilling” career with children. She was disappointed in my daughter (2.5) very quickly, and told me so, and was fired shortly thereafter. My daughter does not an obligation to meet the emotional expectations of any adult.
'I promise you that a shitty diaper smells the same no matter who's wearing it.'
YES - this line is gold and it's what we subscribe for! :-) :-)
This piece is such an important message, because perpetuating these myths/lies seems to be so very effective in keeping women in a subordinate position. I don't think that's the intent of most people who believe these things, but it certainly is the result. And that's exactly why it's so important to interrogate it and debunk it. Thank you, Jessica!
Your book on this really gave me permission to fully think about what it would mean to be a mother and decide what I wanted in the context of what reality is instead of the lie. It has meant I have spent basically my entire journey through motherhood not shocked by the feelings that come along with it. And I’ve taken promotions and changed careers to something much more fulfilling for me Thank you for that!
Right on! And I am at the stage of life where being a grandparent is seen as the most fulfilling part of life. I am not a grandparent and I am fulfilled! In fact, I am just about done with my 2nd masters degree in marriage and family therapy and am loving being a therapist. It never ends does it, this idea that women are only fulfilled when they are mothers or grandmothers.
As a pediatrician I think the unrealistic expectations of modern motherhood are crazy. I really think mothers miss out on a lot of joy because there is so much unnecessary guilt and anxiety. Most mothers don’t often share their conflicted emotions with others and their frustration with aspects of motherhood (but I hear a lot of it). And you are totally right, the intense helicopter parenting that is still in vogue is not good for kids.
I saw my mother just hate motherhood, and I have to say that without someone giving you an appearance of loving it, motherhood doesn't look like the most attractive prospect, so I can understand where the brainwashing comes in -- what if all women decided it was as awful as it looked when their mothers did it? That said, lots of mothers handle it better than my mom did. Something in between idealized motherhood and the nightmare my mother enacted might be a good thing!
As usual you have exposed the core of an issue and given me much to mull over. Thank you for the past year of All In Her Head; I am anticipating that 2022 will bring many more empathy challenges for us to tackle.
Like you, I chose to become a mother, three times. Even though a choice freely made, there were moments when it was a hard slog when I would have to remind myself that it was my choice. I can’t imagine what it is like for mothers who didn’t make that choice freely or perhaps ended up as single parents carrying that financial, physical, and emotional load on their own, without the aid of a social safety net. If we want children who thrive then we must give them and their parents the support of the whole community. Forcing a woman to bear a child and then abandoning mother and child to an unkind world turns motherhood into a punishment, not a gift.
I've worried about one day becoming a mother for so long because of this lie. My mom, a wonderful and supportive woman, has told me my entire life that the one job she always wanted growing up was to be a Mommy. I'm so glad that she gets so much fulfillment from loving and supporting my siblings and I, but it is stifling sometimes to be the source of her enjoyment, especially since we moved out (though my brother and I are still in town). To be fair, she has always said to my sister and I that if we don't want to have children not to have them. She's seen what bad mothers can do to children, especially mothers who never wanted to children to begin with.
I've always worried that if I became a mother, since I go back and forth on whether that's the right path for me, that I would be a bad mom because I can't imagine dedicating my whole life to another person at all times and finding incredible fulfillment in that role. I work in hospitality and already dedicate so much of myself to other people that I know when and where I need to step back so that I can breathe and be myself as an individual. Knowing that that need is normal and that being a mother doesn't have to be your entire identity...it's like a breath of fresh air. I've only ever seen motherhood modeled as an Identity(TM) or Bad Mothers. I'm so glad to know that there is an in-between and maybe if I choose to have children it doesn't have to be all or nothing on that front.
Yes to this. I’ve been writing about this in my own Substack since I started it in November but I don’t feel like we can hear this message enough because it is NOT what is presented to us in the culture. And we can get absolutely lost as we try and live up to the lies. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Yes! We briefly hired a nanny during COVID who wanted to switch to a “fulfilling” career with children. She was disappointed in my daughter (2.5) very quickly, and told me so, and was fired shortly thereafter. My daughter does not an obligation to meet the emotional expectations of any adult.
'I promise you that a shitty diaper smells the same no matter who's wearing it.'
YES - this line is gold and it's what we subscribe for! :-) :-)
This piece is such an important message, because perpetuating these myths/lies seems to be so very effective in keeping women in a subordinate position. I don't think that's the intent of most people who believe these things, but it certainly is the result. And that's exactly why it's so important to interrogate it and debunk it. Thank you, Jessica!
Your book on this really gave me permission to fully think about what it would mean to be a mother and decide what I wanted in the context of what reality is instead of the lie. It has meant I have spent basically my entire journey through motherhood not shocked by the feelings that come along with it. And I’ve taken promotions and changed careers to something much more fulfilling for me Thank you for that!
Right on! And I am at the stage of life where being a grandparent is seen as the most fulfilling part of life. I am not a grandparent and I am fulfilled! In fact, I am just about done with my 2nd masters degree in marriage and family therapy and am loving being a therapist. It never ends does it, this idea that women are only fulfilled when they are mothers or grandmothers.
As a pediatrician I think the unrealistic expectations of modern motherhood are crazy. I really think mothers miss out on a lot of joy because there is so much unnecessary guilt and anxiety. Most mothers don’t often share their conflicted emotions with others and their frustration with aspects of motherhood (but I hear a lot of it). And you are totally right, the intense helicopter parenting that is still in vogue is not good for kids.
I saw my mother just hate motherhood, and I have to say that without someone giving you an appearance of loving it, motherhood doesn't look like the most attractive prospect, so I can understand where the brainwashing comes in -- what if all women decided it was as awful as it looked when their mothers did it? That said, lots of mothers handle it better than my mom did. Something in between idealized motherhood and the nightmare my mother enacted might be a good thing!
As usual you have exposed the core of an issue and given me much to mull over. Thank you for the past year of All In Her Head; I am anticipating that 2022 will bring many more empathy challenges for us to tackle.
Like you, I chose to become a mother, three times. Even though a choice freely made, there were moments when it was a hard slog when I would have to remind myself that it was my choice. I can’t imagine what it is like for mothers who didn’t make that choice freely or perhaps ended up as single parents carrying that financial, physical, and emotional load on their own, without the aid of a social safety net. If we want children who thrive then we must give them and their parents the support of the whole community. Forcing a woman to bear a child and then abandoning mother and child to an unkind world turns motherhood into a punishment, not a gift.
I've worried about one day becoming a mother for so long because of this lie. My mom, a wonderful and supportive woman, has told me my entire life that the one job she always wanted growing up was to be a Mommy. I'm so glad that she gets so much fulfillment from loving and supporting my siblings and I, but it is stifling sometimes to be the source of her enjoyment, especially since we moved out (though my brother and I are still in town). To be fair, she has always said to my sister and I that if we don't want to have children not to have them. She's seen what bad mothers can do to children, especially mothers who never wanted to children to begin with.
I've always worried that if I became a mother, since I go back and forth on whether that's the right path for me, that I would be a bad mom because I can't imagine dedicating my whole life to another person at all times and finding incredible fulfillment in that role. I work in hospitality and already dedicate so much of myself to other people that I know when and where I need to step back so that I can breathe and be myself as an individual. Knowing that that need is normal and that being a mother doesn't have to be your entire identity...it's like a breath of fresh air. I've only ever seen motherhood modeled as an Identity(TM) or Bad Mothers. I'm so glad to know that there is an in-between and maybe if I choose to have children it doesn't have to be all or nothing on that front.
I can't even tell you how much I needed to read every word of this. Thank you.
Yes to this. I’ve been writing about this in my own Substack since I started it in November but I don’t feel like we can hear this message enough because it is NOT what is presented to us in the culture. And we can get absolutely lost as we try and live up to the lies. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Amen.
I can’t like this hard enough.
This is just so absolutely perfect. Thank you.