The Cost of Managing Men's Anger
A viral TikTok, taken this week by a 17 year-old girl confronting a man harassing her at the gym, reminded me of how young we are when we start to manage men’s anger.
The teenager in the video yells at the 24 year-old man for bothering her, chastising him for not leaving her alone even after she told him how young she was.
His response? “Seventeen is legal. It’s legal.” (Remember what I wrote about last week?) The man gets angrier and angrier, demanding that she leave the gym “before I lose my fucking temper.”
“Get the fuck out of here,” he says. And she does, likely recognizing that his anger was quickly becoming dangerous. She took stock of the situation and made a decision, like so many of us have done before.
Girls are barely out of childhood when they learn the ins and outs of men’s moods: What sets them off, how much we can safely talk back to them, and how to calm them when it’s necessary. It’s a survival skill, one we have to master early.
I often wonder if the stereotype that women have more ‘emotional intelligence’ is true or if we’re just trying not to be killed. Of course we’re attuned to the world around us, we have to be.
I also can’t help but think about all the mental space taken up by that constant negotiation in our heads—gauging our safety while riding the train instead of letting our minds wander to that book we read the previous week; worrying if the man behind us is following us home rather than finishing up a phone call to a relative; examining a Tinder match’s red flags before a date when we could be thinking about or doing literally anything else.
What ideas haven’t we had, what realizations went unnoticed, because our minds were so busy keeping us safe?
To tell you the truth, it breaks my heart.
But as my daughter gets older—and starts to walk to her Brooklyn school with friends instead of parents, her first adult-free adventure into the world—I find myself desperately hoping that Layla has traded her daydreaming for vigilance.
It’s an awful thing, wishing for the end of your child’s mental freedom—but I don’t know a better way to protect her. I certainly can’t depend on the world changing fast enough; if anything, men are becoming more entrenched in toxic ideology around gender roles. And while I’d love for my daughter, still only 11, to remain a child just a few years longer, I know how steep the consequences for naivety are.
I’m glad the young woman in the video is safe; many others haven’t been. And I’m grateful that she had the wherewithal to film her encounter; too many men don’t understand how prevalent these kinds of interactions are, and how profoundly they shape women’s lives.
I wish I could tell Layla something different, reassure her that she can do whatever she wants, be whoever she wants, and think however she wants. But the truth is that her physical and mental freedom will only ever be as large as men’s anger allows it to be. At least, I suppose, she’ll never know the difference.
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When I first began studying women's history and issues over forty years ago, I read about a study where a group of researchers asked college men what was the worst thing that could happen on a date. The men said she could laugh at me. When they asked college women the same question, the women said he could kill me. Huge difference and it appears little has changed.
I didn't watch the tiktok; it sounded too disturbing. I did read the linked Moira Donegan article; it was quite disturbing.
This seems to be building up to be a pivotal moment in history. When men resort to anger, and violence, it's because that's the only resource they have left. It's a sign not of strength but of weakness. Take note of Vladimir Putin, for example.
But, just like with Russia, a death spiral unleashes a lot of collateral destruction. It might not be avoidable. I'm not sure how we achieve the triumph, but I'm pretty sure we must be not afraid. Which is of course much easier to say than to do.