"She didn’t feel like she could say anything once I got started" could easily a collection of essays about my life. Part of me has a lot of bad feelings about the things I endured over the years because I didn't feel like I could say anything. Another part of me is grateful that I am learning about boundaries and better self-care, but boy is sure is an ongoing process!
Yep. Boundaries? Autonomy? Authenticity? All sacrificed to the Toni Home Permanent, starting at 2 years old, to ensure my hair matched Shirley Temple’s curls. Tears didn’t help. At six years old I was enlisted to assist, handing her the miniature squares of crinkly parchment wrapping papers as she drenched each small section of hair with that odious poisonous dirt purple chemical solution; Neutralizer, Art Linklater called it on TV. The finger sized papers gave traction to the curlers snapped in place...one after another. No getting over the first snap before the next & the next & the next followed. And the next. No end in sight. Maybe the Neutralizer destroyed her weekly manicure. Maybe that was why she finally gave up giving her three daughters the Toni treatment?
My tears & agony? Discounted. Suffering for beauty was ‘normal’ to her. It was the 1950’s, after all. Hair. A very big deal. Then and now. My granddaughter, like her own mother, stands up for herself & her hair. I couldn’t be more grateful that neither had to learn that lesson the hard way!!!
This reminds me of a newsletter piece I read about a hugging party where if you decide you don’t to be hugged, you would say no thanks, and the rejected aspiring hugger was required to reply, “Thank you for taking care of yourself.” I thought that was excellent.
I also think that learning to say “hey, I’ve changed my mind,” is important for avoiding that awful silent resentfulness that follows doing something you wished you had said you wouldn’t do, which is the shabby revenge of the person who had not mastered saying no, and which I remember inflicting upon people in my youth. Oh, what sad days those were. The kind of “if you don’t know, I’m not telling you,” sulks. I wish someone had taught me that I was allowed to change my mind, and also helped me master the social skills to do it well.
Part of me thinks it’s about self-worth. My husband used to lie if he didn’t want to go to a party, and then we’d have to hunker down pretending he was sick, and not dare to be seen outside: so irritating. I used to tell him, “You’re a famous New Yorker cartoonist. If you don’t want to go to a party, you just say, “sorry, I can’t make it,” and no one will ask for a note from your mother! It’s more dignified to simply decline an invitation.” And it’s true. If you act as if you’re worthy of respect whether you accept an invitation or a proposal of some sort or not, you will be treated that way. I think it’s generally men who are better at it — I’ve watched men do it all my life, and sworn to emulate them.
Anyway, I’m glad you’re the mother I would have loved to have, trying to be better all the time. My mother would simply have thought I didn’t deserve better than she had, and that what was good enough for her was good enough for me! That was a hell of a generation.
This is a very insightful story. I hope Layla doesn't mind you sharing it with your readers (maybe thank her on our behalf?) :-) Yes we should always try to be aware of how others are feeling, but if even you missed it or messed up, then we're all going to make mistakes. And yes you should always be able to tell someone how you're feeling, and to change your mind about something at any time. But I think in practice we fall short of this, and that's why this story is so educational. I suppose that in life there's always a spectrum from honest mistakes to abusive behavior, and we have to judge where an individual incident falls on it. And there's a spectrum between kindness to others and being taken advantage of, too. These can be difficult judgements to make!
One of my relatives gets really strict with their kids when it’s time to end a family gathering - go hug aunt and uncle so-and-so, etc. I really don’t like it because sometimes the kids are super not into it and the increasingly strident GO GIVE HUGS AND KISSES really gets awkward. I offer an “air high five” with no touching instead. I think “you don’t have to hug anyone you don’t want to” is such a good early consent thing, I wish it didn’t come up so often!
"She didn’t feel like she could say anything once I got started" could easily a collection of essays about my life. Part of me has a lot of bad feelings about the things I endured over the years because I didn't feel like I could say anything. Another part of me is grateful that I am learning about boundaries and better self-care, but boy is sure is an ongoing process!
Yep. Boundaries? Autonomy? Authenticity? All sacrificed to the Toni Home Permanent, starting at 2 years old, to ensure my hair matched Shirley Temple’s curls. Tears didn’t help. At six years old I was enlisted to assist, handing her the miniature squares of crinkly parchment wrapping papers as she drenched each small section of hair with that odious poisonous dirt purple chemical solution; Neutralizer, Art Linklater called it on TV. The finger sized papers gave traction to the curlers snapped in place...one after another. No getting over the first snap before the next & the next & the next followed. And the next. No end in sight. Maybe the Neutralizer destroyed her weekly manicure. Maybe that was why she finally gave up giving her three daughters the Toni treatment?
My tears & agony? Discounted. Suffering for beauty was ‘normal’ to her. It was the 1950’s, after all. Hair. A very big deal. Then and now. My granddaughter, like her own mother, stands up for herself & her hair. I couldn’t be more grateful that neither had to learn that lesson the hard way!!!
This reminds me of a newsletter piece I read about a hugging party where if you decide you don’t to be hugged, you would say no thanks, and the rejected aspiring hugger was required to reply, “Thank you for taking care of yourself.” I thought that was excellent.
I also think that learning to say “hey, I’ve changed my mind,” is important for avoiding that awful silent resentfulness that follows doing something you wished you had said you wouldn’t do, which is the shabby revenge of the person who had not mastered saying no, and which I remember inflicting upon people in my youth. Oh, what sad days those were. The kind of “if you don’t know, I’m not telling you,” sulks. I wish someone had taught me that I was allowed to change my mind, and also helped me master the social skills to do it well.
Part of me thinks it’s about self-worth. My husband used to lie if he didn’t want to go to a party, and then we’d have to hunker down pretending he was sick, and not dare to be seen outside: so irritating. I used to tell him, “You’re a famous New Yorker cartoonist. If you don’t want to go to a party, you just say, “sorry, I can’t make it,” and no one will ask for a note from your mother! It’s more dignified to simply decline an invitation.” And it’s true. If you act as if you’re worthy of respect whether you accept an invitation or a proposal of some sort or not, you will be treated that way. I think it’s generally men who are better at it — I’ve watched men do it all my life, and sworn to emulate them.
Anyway, I’m glad you’re the mother I would have loved to have, trying to be better all the time. My mother would simply have thought I didn’t deserve better than she had, and that what was good enough for her was good enough for me! That was a hell of a generation.
This is a very insightful story. I hope Layla doesn't mind you sharing it with your readers (maybe thank her on our behalf?) :-) Yes we should always try to be aware of how others are feeling, but if even you missed it or messed up, then we're all going to make mistakes. And yes you should always be able to tell someone how you're feeling, and to change your mind about something at any time. But I think in practice we fall short of this, and that's why this story is so educational. I suppose that in life there's always a spectrum from honest mistakes to abusive behavior, and we have to judge where an individual incident falls on it. And there's a spectrum between kindness to others and being taken advantage of, too. These can be difficult judgements to make!
Ain't it fun that the opportunities to learn never stop...?
Still, this was, as you said, a non-too-serious event that did give an opening to discuss something that is extremely important.
So that was/is really good.
One of my relatives gets really strict with their kids when it’s time to end a family gathering - go hug aunt and uncle so-and-so, etc. I really don’t like it because sometimes the kids are super not into it and the increasingly strident GO GIVE HUGS AND KISSES really gets awkward. I offer an “air high five” with no touching instead. I think “you don’t have to hug anyone you don’t want to” is such a good early consent thing, I wish it didn’t come up so often!
All so true. You’re a good mom! Reminds me of what my mother used to say - you can change your mind at the altar.