Republicans Don't Know Shit About Abortion

Don't obey laws made by ignorant assholes

The people legislating women’s bodies have no fucking idea how they work 

On Monday, Yesli Vega—a Republican nominee for Congress in Virginia—suggested that pregnancy after rape is rare, and that a woman who is assaulted might not get pregnant because “there’s so much going on in the body.” 

“It’s not something that’s happening organically,” Vega continued. “You’re forcing it.”

I can’t believe I have to say this in the year 2022, but of course that is not true: Pregnancy can occur after rape in the same way it can happen after consensual sex. But for years, Republicans have believed the wackiest, weirdest, most ignorant shit about abortion. 

For example, Vega is hardly alone in thinking that women don’t really get pregnant after rape. In 2012, Missouri Senate nominee Rep. Todd Akin said in a television interview that in a “legitimate rape” (whatever the fuck that is), “the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” In 1995, Republican Rep. Henry Aldridge from North Carolina argued that women who are raped can’t get pregnant because “the juices don’t flow, the body functions don’t work.” (I know, ew.) And in 2013, Texas Rep. Jodie Laubenberg defended an abortion ban without exceptions for rape or incest by claiming, “In the emergency room they have what’s called rape kits where a woman can get cleaned out.” CLEANED. OUT.

Oh, I’m not done yet. 

Tom Smith of Pennsylvania said that pregnancy after rape is basically the same thing as having a baby out of wedlock; Ohio state Rep. Jean Schmidt said that a 13 year-old who is raped and becomes pregnant has been given “an opportunity”; and Paul Ryan called rape a “method of conception.” 

Earlier this year, Michigan governor candidate Garrett Soldano argued if a woman is raped she shouldn’t be allowed an abortion just in case the fetus could be “the next president.” (It never occurs to these men that perhaps the pregnant woman, if given the opportunity to plan if and when to have children, might be the person who changes the world.) In 2019, Missouri state Rep. Barry Hovis defended an abortion ban by arguing that most sexual assaults are “consensual rapes.” (?!!) And in a 2008 presidential debate, Sen. John McCain responded to a question about abortion exceptions for the health and life of a woman by putting “health” in scare quotes. 

What might be the most infuriating thing about the men who legislate away our health, lives and freedom, though, is that they do so without having even the most basic understanding of the way women’s bodies or pregnancy work. 

Texas Republican Rep. Michael Burgess insisted that a law banning abortion was necessary because if you watch a sonogram, “they have movements that are purposeful.” He continued, “if they’re a male baby, they have their hand between their legs...they feel pleasure.” That’s right: Women should be legally banned from ending a pregnancy so their male fetus can masturbate. 

Idaho Republican Vito Barbieri thought you could give women a remote gynecological exam by having her swallow a tiny camera; Republican Texas state Rep. Dan Flynn, who sponsored the state’s anti-abortion law, believed you had to cut into a woman to perform an abortion; and Ohio Republican John Becker claimed that his state’s anti-choice law wouldn’t hurt women with ectopic pregnancies because they can just move the fertilized egg. “That treatment would be removing the embryo from the fallopian tube and reinserting it in the uterus,” he said, explaining a medical procedure that doesn’t fucking exist. 

My favorite, however, might have to be Alabama Republican Clyde Chambliss, who when asked if the anti-choice legislation he was supporting would allow incest victims to have abortions, responded: “Yes, until she knows she’s pregnant.” 

Here’s the thing: I already believed Americans shouldn’t abide by the decision to overturn Roe. It’s a human rights violation made by illegitimate justices. Once you throw in the fact that these politicians don’t know shit—and are willing to kill people who can get pregnant in the process—well, they can all just go fuck themselves. If they can manage to find the appropriate body parts, that is.

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