It's Not Okay
It's Not Okay
The country may have failed us, but we won’t fail each other.
I lied to my daughter last night. As I put Layla to bed, I promised her that everything would be okay—even though I knew it wasn’t true. Of course, of course, it’s not okay. But I’m a mom, and my honesty was easily outweighed by my desire to comfort her.
Here’s what I should have told her:
It is an awful thing, how much this country hates women. It is painful, soul-crushing and impossible to understand. The knowledge that America would rather elect the world’s worst man—a racist and liar, rapist and bully—than even consider letting a woman lead is a heavy, horrible load.
I wish none of us had to bear it. But we do, and we will.
We will take the next few days to feel the full weight of that pain. To ignore or avoid it would be a mistake; glossing over grief does your body and mind a disservice, and we all need to process in our own way.
But we can’t sit with the horror for too long. We can’t let it overtake or immobilize us—because that is exactly what they want. The men who want to put us in our place, keep us in the home and humiliate us into subjugation need us to be paralyzed with fear and sadness. They are desperate for us to give up, or to bury the reality of what they’ve done in a small corner in our mind. They want us to decide that it’s easier not to put up a fight.
I know—because I know you—that you’re not willing to do that.
You’re someone who cares deeply about other people, and you know we need to take care of each other now more than ever. More than that, you’d never give these men what they want. Because as sad as you are, you are also furious. In fact, you might not even realize yet just how much of your despair is actually anger—rage masked as a more palatable emotion.
Women are taught our whole lives to direct that fury inwards, to quash or internalize it. We’re not going to do that today, or ever again. There are people who deserve the full scale of our outrage, and they will get it.
That’s why you’ll get up, alongside me, and do what it takes to fight back. You’ll remember that we are in the right, and that they are in the obvious, awful wrong. You’ll refuse to let them steal one more moment of your joy and hope, and decide that living your life with purpose in a country that wants you to fade away is a radical act.
I know what you’re going to say: That’s what you’ve already been doing! You’ve cared so much and worked so hard. You’re tired—I am too. How can we possibly continue on when the country fails us again and again?
We just do. Because the alternative—that we pretend this isn’t happening and let the most vulnerable among us suffer first and worst—is unthinkable.
The country may have failed us, but we won’t fail each other.
There’s a reason that so many of the laws attacking our bodies and rights target our ability to help each other; they know that community is our most powerful weapon. That’s what we’re going to lean into, and it’s where you’ll find your strength and energy.
When you get too tired, someone will be there to step in and step up. When the law tries to stop you from getting the care you need, someone will find a way for you to get it anyway. We will take care of each other.
Most importantly, I will take care of you. You deserve to feel safe, seen and loved. I know you don’t feel any of those things today, but you will again.
So it’s true, everything is not okay—and I can’t promise that it will be, not entirely. But I can promise that I’ll be there, holding your hand.
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Thank you, Jessica, for all that you do.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful lifeline today. I've spent way too much time today crying about feeling so disrespected by a nation to which I have given so much of my life in service. A female relative once asked me if I was angry that RBG hadn't stepped down earlier, to help us avoid the terrible court scheme that we have now. I confidently said "No. I won't blame a woman for the bad behavior of a man." I hope we can all be thoughtful moving forward to place the blame for this election on who deserves it: the voters that have indeed chosen the "worst man" over the best woman. We did everything we could. It was a brilliant and joyful campaign. I can only hope that the universe will find a way to balance things in the end. But in the meantime, I'm going to work hard to help raise the next generation of women and men who understand compassion, empathy, and integrity.