Bitterly I'm adding this because it's totally relevant. That guy went on a killing rampage in Atlanta, killing eight massage parlor employees, seven women and one man (all Asian), apparently told cops he'd "had a very bad day” and that he had been “at the end of his rope” and “fed up.” The cops adding that they thought he indicated he might have sexual issues "potentially sexual addiction," and "may have frequented some of these places in the past.”
A bad day? Really? Fed up? This guy was fed up after a bad day. I mean, is this the patriarchal king of the castle who you don't dare enrage, especially if you're a woman (or minority -- or both) meant to serve him, or what? I am sickened. How fed up are women? How long has the bad day been for women? Like, centuries long. Like two thousand years long.
In all of these videos he keeps saying she had "dirty martinis". How much you want to bet he just likes say "dirty" in re Markle, and that she actually drinks regular martinis instead?
We all have some degree of personal power. But... I think it's named situational power... which often gets overlooked, dismissed, and/or undefined. How to navigate through those moments... which seem to hold us captive until the guy (if ever) lets it go... just the fear of retaliation... it feels like a kind of control by chaos. Not knowing quite how a man is going to react, keeps women on constant alert. It's exhausting.
When I lived at 156th street and Broadway, I used to call ahead at 125th (when the subway was outside momentarily) to the Chinese takeout on my way home from my day job, so I could pick up my dinner when I got out of the subway. One day there was a guy there who had seen me there before. He asked me in Spanish if I liked to play cards. He was inviting me to go play poker with him and his friends. I said no, thanks, I didn't. I also said I didn't speak enough Spanish to converse with him. He persisted. He asked me out again, and I said no, and he got rather belligerent. So *another* guy from the block who had asked me out and who was also waiting for his order, said, helpfully, "Hey, she has a boyfriend." Yeah, I had lied to him a week earlier, to get HIM to leave me alone. So the new guy tells him, "Stay out of this. She's with me." I could feel my hair literally beginning to stand up on the back of my neck as I realized he could very well tell everyone I was with him and do anything he wanted to me. The owner of the place just watched from behind their plexiglass window. The "nicer" guy seemed to be trying to de-escalate the situation, is all I remember, as I repeated, "I have a boyfriend, okay?" But all he does is yell, "WHERE! WHERE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND! SHOW HIM TO ME!"
I was simultaneously furious and terrified. Thank god my order was ready and I just grabbed it and left. I never went back to that place again. I began going straight home from the subway, looking over my shoulder, peeking into the foyer, afraid of being followed. I actually moved within a month, having pounced on the first availability I'd heard of. I just didn't want to be there anymore, worrying that some creep was going to tell my super that he was "with me" and get access to the building, my apartment, who knows what he might have done. He'd already lied in public.
I still feel furious thinking about it. I remember thinking that if this was how I felt that one time, imagine how it feels to be in a country where you're not even allowed to drive without a male from your family with you and this is your life every day, forever?
That was the worst example of stuff like this that's happened to me, but by far not the only example. The examples abound. I have no doubt that even as I age, there will always be some creep out there who feels entitled to me, possibly even more as I appear to have less advantages socially and financially. I'll never forget being a teenager who everyone (except me) thought was ugly (I thought I looked fine, no more, no less, just fine and why was everyone so mean?), and grown men in cars cruising by the bus stop while I waited alone, saying, "Has anyone ever told you you're beautiful?," like they were throwing me a bone I should have been so grateful for. They just pissed me off beyond belief. It was obvious they they also thought I was homely, but vulnerable, easy pickings. No one is safe.
God knows where I get my self-regard from, but I'm grateful for it. It is so sickening and damaging to grow up feeling like prey. I now have a reputation for being horrible to men, am told "men find you intimidating," and I am absolutely delighted.
One of the cruelest “jokes” the patriarchy plays on us is telling us the women are the “too emotional” ones. I’ve really never seen a more fragile ego or childish response than I do from privileged men.
What is also utterly baffling about this is that Morgan was/is married at the time. He had a wife and *still* thought Markle should... date him? I don't know what his arrangement is with his wife but that's a part that's always left out and we've never heard from Morgan's wife about this, nor has Markle spoken out about having a married man obsessed with her.
A big a-ha moment for me recently was making the connection between treating men with kid gloves and the way we raise boys to not express any emotion other than anger.
Bitterly I'm adding this because it's totally relevant. That guy went on a killing rampage in Atlanta, killing eight massage parlor employees, seven women and one man (all Asian), apparently told cops he'd "had a very bad day” and that he had been “at the end of his rope” and “fed up.” The cops adding that they thought he indicated he might have sexual issues "potentially sexual addiction," and "may have frequented some of these places in the past.”
A bad day? Really? Fed up? This guy was fed up after a bad day. I mean, is this the patriarchal king of the castle who you don't dare enrage, especially if you're a woman (or minority -- or both) meant to serve him, or what? I am sickened. How fed up are women? How long has the bad day been for women? Like, centuries long. Like two thousand years long.
In all of these videos he keeps saying she had "dirty martinis". How much you want to bet he just likes say "dirty" in re Markle, and that she actually drinks regular martinis instead?
We all have some degree of personal power. But... I think it's named situational power... which often gets overlooked, dismissed, and/or undefined. How to navigate through those moments... which seem to hold us captive until the guy (if ever) lets it go... just the fear of retaliation... it feels like a kind of control by chaos. Not knowing quite how a man is going to react, keeps women on constant alert. It's exhausting.
When I lived at 156th street and Broadway, I used to call ahead at 125th (when the subway was outside momentarily) to the Chinese takeout on my way home from my day job, so I could pick up my dinner when I got out of the subway. One day there was a guy there who had seen me there before. He asked me in Spanish if I liked to play cards. He was inviting me to go play poker with him and his friends. I said no, thanks, I didn't. I also said I didn't speak enough Spanish to converse with him. He persisted. He asked me out again, and I said no, and he got rather belligerent. So *another* guy from the block who had asked me out and who was also waiting for his order, said, helpfully, "Hey, she has a boyfriend." Yeah, I had lied to him a week earlier, to get HIM to leave me alone. So the new guy tells him, "Stay out of this. She's with me." I could feel my hair literally beginning to stand up on the back of my neck as I realized he could very well tell everyone I was with him and do anything he wanted to me. The owner of the place just watched from behind their plexiglass window. The "nicer" guy seemed to be trying to de-escalate the situation, is all I remember, as I repeated, "I have a boyfriend, okay?" But all he does is yell, "WHERE! WHERE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND! SHOW HIM TO ME!"
I was simultaneously furious and terrified. Thank god my order was ready and I just grabbed it and left. I never went back to that place again. I began going straight home from the subway, looking over my shoulder, peeking into the foyer, afraid of being followed. I actually moved within a month, having pounced on the first availability I'd heard of. I just didn't want to be there anymore, worrying that some creep was going to tell my super that he was "with me" and get access to the building, my apartment, who knows what he might have done. He'd already lied in public.
I still feel furious thinking about it. I remember thinking that if this was how I felt that one time, imagine how it feels to be in a country where you're not even allowed to drive without a male from your family with you and this is your life every day, forever?
That was the worst example of stuff like this that's happened to me, but by far not the only example. The examples abound. I have no doubt that even as I age, there will always be some creep out there who feels entitled to me, possibly even more as I appear to have less advantages socially and financially. I'll never forget being a teenager who everyone (except me) thought was ugly (I thought I looked fine, no more, no less, just fine and why was everyone so mean?), and grown men in cars cruising by the bus stop while I waited alone, saying, "Has anyone ever told you you're beautiful?," like they were throwing me a bone I should have been so grateful for. They just pissed me off beyond belief. It was obvious they they also thought I was homely, but vulnerable, easy pickings. No one is safe.
God knows where I get my self-regard from, but I'm grateful for it. It is so sickening and damaging to grow up feeling like prey. I now have a reputation for being horrible to men, am told "men find you intimidating," and I am absolutely delighted.
One of the cruelest “jokes” the patriarchy plays on us is telling us the women are the “too emotional” ones. I’ve really never seen a more fragile ego or childish response than I do from privileged men.
What is also utterly baffling about this is that Morgan was/is married at the time. He had a wife and *still* thought Markle should... date him? I don't know what his arrangement is with his wife but that's a part that's always left out and we've never heard from Morgan's wife about this, nor has Markle spoken out about having a married man obsessed with her.
Amen.
He makes my flesh crawl.
A big a-ha moment for me recently was making the connection between treating men with kid gloves and the way we raise boys to not express any emotion other than anger.