The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker - is a book all about how fear is CRITICAL for our survival. (Our = human) HIGHLY ENCOURAGE everyone to read it (I realize I am wicked late to this thread).
The tl;dr of both de Becker and anything I will say is this: Fear is good. It is okay to make your daughter feel afraid. Fear motivates a response and gets us humans out of dangerous situations.
Anxiety - worrying about things that have not yet happened, may never happen - and feeling helpless while doing so? That one serves no purpose.
Fear, though: going through dangerous scenarios (even unlikely ones!) and thinking through them, finding 3 or 4 safe(r) ways to navigate the situation (ESPECIALLY in conversation with someone else)? That builds strong neural pathways that may help us get out of a similar dangerous situation later on.
If you read de Becker and like him, and want advanced reading on self defense, Rory Miller is amazing. Meditations on Violence is an excellent starting book. Miller also has a blog and teaches actively still, and my experience with the few times I've reached out to him is that he may take a little while, but if you have a question he hasn't answered in his book(s) / blog already, he'll actually write back (or call) himself to work through something with you. He's a good guy.
As the mother of three nearly-grown daughters, I have experienced either myself or with one of my daughters everything discussed here and worse. I second the recommendations for martial arts. Additionally, don't be afraid to restrict or entirely cut off social media. Your daughter will complain that everyone else is doing it but it's no different than with your other family rules around things like teen drinking or bedtimes. The answer is that other families have their own rules but you're in this family and these are our rules. Definitely monitor their social and other media and social communication generally! Also, teach them from an early age to be critical media consumers. Point out the way that advertisers are trying to manipulate them, discuss how this or that show or photo is objectifying women. If you talk about it until they cut you off with, "We know, Mom!" then you have said it enough and they will have internalized it. Also, definitely get fathers or other men in their lives involved to tell them the ugly truth about what many teenaged boys think and feel. Confront mothers of boys who want to excuse unacceptable behavior by their sons. This is needed so much more!! Mothers of sons and teachers of boys need to do so much better! Can't tell you how many mothers think "My son is a good kid, he would never do that." Teachers will even excuse boys on those grounds. They have to be made to witness the little things like bra snapping that will only escalate. It's all part of a spectrum of bullying that changes to harassment and assault as the bullies age. Also, if it's an option, all-girls schools can be empowering, although not all are created equal; some perpetuate the misogyny of the institutions that sponsor them. Also, never stop pushing back on the men who think it's on the girls and women to manage their emotions better in the face of unequal treatment/opportunity or harassment or worse. No, it's on the boys to do better and be anti-misogynistic, not on the girls to be less bothered. Teach your daughter to say "No" or even, "That's a hard pass" without guilt or worry about the other person's feelings. Model within your family that no means no even about little things. So often the family dynamic is where girls learn by watching their mother that they have to always be nice and defer to the other person's needs instead of honoring their own feelings, including their anger. Keep teaching your daughter and others the difference between a personal psychological problem and a sociological problem. Ask, "Is that a you problem or a they problem?" Keep helping women and girls to use their anger to get into good trouble. But also, sadly, the world will always contain bad people - monsters are real - and we need to know how to recognize them and be prepared to flee or fight instead of freezing. It's so hard raising girls but you can't doubt yourself or they will learn to doubt themselves. When schools say "you have to trust us" the answer is No. Bye. Trust your child and yourself. Schools will try to gaslight her and you can't side with the school against your kid. They have to know you are always on their side but also, even more, you are always on the side of truth. Keep fighting for your daughter and all women!
You are not overreacting. You're being realistic. And, you're protecting your child until she is old enough to take care of herself. Every woman has a story of how either she or someone close to her had to deal with a man overstepping boundaries... sometimes bc he was unaware that the boundaries even existed. I think the one big lesson we can teach our kids is that it is really ok to say no. They don't have to be polite about it. They can just say no. We don't have to take care of predators/abusers. I've shared my stories w my daughter. And, I've told her that she should listen to her gut. Whatever she is feeling is accurate. Even if she doesn't have the words yet for them.
Not a parent, but I cannot help but think of when my sister told me about the first time she witnessed a man casing her daughter in a store. My niece was either 11 or 12 at the time (she is now 33 and married with a son). This dude followed my niece for a bit until my sister (who was maybe 34 at the time) got into this dude's face, told him my niece was 12, and to stop following her.
As for myself, I was around the same age when an older high school guy messed with me while I was delivering newspapers. I remember him putting his hands on my handlebars, saying something weird, and then asking if I wanted to have sex. He may have been just messing with me (that doesn't excuse his behavior), but I was instantly very uncomfortable and had difficulty delivering newspapers down that street. I never told anyone.
So, I think it's not about you teaching your daughter to be afraid, but mindful? Wary? Skeptical (I really like the idea of being skeptical), I think many folks have already given you great feedback. It's a balancing act because we want children to trust their discomfort, but we don't want them to be afraid.
I also want to comment on the TikTok in question. Apparently, some dudes online gave this girl a hard time because they thought the guy was trying to be "nice." I call bullshit on this, of course. Spoiler: I hear this guy, and it instantly takes me back to a scene in the movie Eighth Grade where a high school boy targets the main character when he's driving her home alone. Bo Burnham floored me with how accurately he captured this moment. He kept us in Elsie's perspective (flustered, uncomfortable, and guilty) while having the teenage choad try to make it Elsie's fault that he's getting turned down (she apologized for him harassing her). The energy from the man in this TikTok was the same, although he is unquestionably an adult, and this girl tracked exactly what this guy was trying to do.
You're not overreacting and you're not bringing work home with you. You're responding to not just what you know but what you're already seeing. My hope is that because she's got you for a mom, she's already a step ahead in understanding that there are asshole men out there who will get off on her discomfort; that she doesn't have to be nice or patient or tolerant of people who want to engage with her.
Things I wish my mother had done with me as a child: Teaching me that my body was MINE and that no one else was entitled to it; Giving me the vocabulary to describe what made me uncomfortable; teaching me how to set boundaries and enforce them; Teach me how to use my voice to defend myself; Practice skills so I knew where to go, who to call, how to make myself safe when I was out in the world.
I don't know if any of that's helpful to you, but I'm offering it up anyway. As a four-time survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence, I don't wish this shit on anyone. I also know that no one will ever, ever hurt me against my will again.
I don’t know the answers, but I don’t think you’re worrying unnecessarily. And I wish I had been raised by someone who even thought about these issues, let alone talked to me about it. Once, in my 30s, a much younger woman, maybe 19 or 20, saw me in a scary situation with a man and she clocked it instantly and just came right up and pretended to know me and we walked away to safety together...and I know nothing about her, but seeing her so confident and skilled and savvy at that age made a big impression on me. That’s what I would want to hope for if I was raising a girl...as is, I hope to raise the male, and male ally, equivalent. All to say, I think that you’re asking these questions means you’re on the right track with your daughter. And I’m sending a hug because these worries are exhausting. ❤️
Thank you for this great article. I don't know if you have seen this older video from Rosalind Wiseman who wrote the book, Queen Bees and Wannabees, which the movie Mean Girls was based on. The video is excellent, it's called "The Politics of girl world." I see Wiseman also has a new book out specifically for adolescents, focuses on empowering them, and there is a chapter on sexual harassment. It may be worth checking out for your daughter.
It a very difficult world to navigate and you are doing a wonderful job. Learning to trust your instincts is helpful and so is learning a martial art. It does wonders for self confidence and avoiding many difficult situations because it helps to awaken how to respond to situations-both verbally and physically. The world is scary, having solid skills makes it less so.
I'm late to this conversation. I have two daughters (twins, now 16), am a therapist professionally (I work w teens), and also teach martial arts and self defense. It was not optional for my daughters to take at least 2 years of a martial art (after that it was optional). I didn't care if they 'went all the way' (i.e., got a black belt), but I wanted them to develop body confidence and some basic skills.
If you are looking for a dojo / place for your daughters to study *with body confidence / future self defense in mind* can I suggest a few things? First, you want a place that will very soon put them into some kind of contact / sparring w other students beyond basic drills. If you don't know anything about the martial arts, Muay Thai, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, most Krav Maga places are good places to start, but it really is dojo-dependent, so ANY non-mcDojo could work. Second, you want a place that isn't out to 'toughen' students up (and depending on instructor(s), that can be a tricksy balance). Make sure you watch a class, and see how the teacher(s) interact w the students - not just what they say and how they say it, but how their body language is, and if there is genuine affection for the students and for their job. See if the students genuinely like class / their teacher(s), and if they are eager to learn. Third - arguably most importantly - are there adult women who train at the dojo? This is the best single predictor of a safe environment I have ever found.
Most self defense classes - MOST, not all - won't teach much beyond the very, very high level *psychological* basics, no matter what they say otherwise. You cannot possibly learn and get in your body anything you will recall in a dangerous situation in a one-off class. That said, for folk who feel really unsafe in martial arts places, or folk who really don't want to commit to more training for any reason, self defense classes can be a good place to start.
I've been thinking about this a lot - whether to put her in a self defense class of some kind. Not just so she has the ability to protect herself, but so she feels confident walking around
Sorry I'm so late to this conversation (virtual reading pile!). I teach empowerment self-defense, which does all that you and others are looking for. Realistic to the kinds of situations women and girls face, not fear based, skills based, trauma informed, evidence based. Our students leave class feeling empowered and confident, saying their lives have been transformed. They not only feel better about being ready to fight off an attacker, but about saying no, asking for what they want, taking up space, etc. You can find us at defendyourself.org, and if you're in an area we don't reach, we can refer you to other groups that do the same work. Thanks for thinking about your daughter's safety in a holistic way, and for getting the conversation going!
Thank you so much for this. It evoked in articulate, stark life how I’ve felt my whole life. I’ve been trying to explain this to my feminist ally husband, and this really helps. I have two beloved nieces, and this is so helpful, and really helpful in raising my son, too. Thank you, as always!
I didn’t realize how much fear my mom instilled in me to avoid being harassed or assaulted (though obviously it’s not on me to prevent anything!) As a smaller woman it felt like the only protection I could offer myself - constantly vigilant, always aware of situations/people. It wasn’t until my 20s I realized how much work I was putting in daily to “stay safe.” When the toll of it all dawned on me I felt pissed and resentful - at mom, society and men obviously lol. Still somewhat resentful. If my mom had recognized and acknowledged the unfairness of the fear she was instilling in her girls, I could have come to terms with it and her easier.
Maybe we're cut from the same killjoy cloth, but I don't think you're overdoing it! Leaving aside the 'big' things, the crappy little stuff will 100% happen. The leery douchebags will sit next to her, men will honk their horns, and men will stare - so it's good for her to know how to handle it.
I think a great phrase, which has taken me 35 years to master, is "I don't want to talk to you." It's boring, but it's not playing their game. In most public situations where there's very little chance of him actually hurting you, it feels amazing to just shut him down by saying what you feel without having to laugh and play along (albeit we probably all remember the video of that man who punched a woman in Paris who told him to fuck off after he catcalled her).
The saddest thing (possibility, probably? it has come to be more saddening to me than actual assaults per se) is the awareness and dissociation from yourself that comes from being constantly, actively watched and interrupted by men. Walking down the street should be a careless activity, but as girls and then as women we're always being reminded that they're watching us. Men hit on you and catcall everywhere, whether you're running, having a coffee, walking to work, just anywhere public. I feel like we're constantly being put in our place by being reminded that we exist for men's entertainment or interest. I don't really have a solution to that, however!
I think it will really help her that you are telling her, most people let this shit slide but it's wrong and you're right to feel like it's wrong, so trust that feeling.
It's incredibly tough. As you said, the world will teach her and you can at least tell & show her you're a teacher who's on her side.
I suppose it is mostly about preparation? Not in the way of filling her with fear that the worst will happen to her but that these things do happen? It's a horribly tough balancing act for a parent.
I guess one of the most important things to tell her is something you already know, of course: that none of this shit is her fault. That's one of the most disgusting things, that apart from sexual aggression being downplayed, there's so often the suggestion that it's the woman's/girl's fault that it happened and her responsibility to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Anyway, you know all that. I'd say you're doing a good job - and if it feels like you're taking your work home with you? Isn't that also just because your business is dealing with the facts about the world?
IMO one of the most important gifts a parent can give their kids is a list of trusted adults that the kid(s) can talk to, without reprisal. I go over this list with my teens at least a couple times a year. This list has adults on it who know who they are, and have agreed that if my kid comes to them to Talk About Something Important, they don't have to tell me (that is, it is TOTALLY okay to keep a secret from me and my husband. I trust them to make decisions with my child).
One of the worst things that I see happening with teens I work with is when teenagers end up in a situation they feel they cannot talk with their parents about - especially if they have a great relationship with their parents - and the only people they can turn to / sounding board(s) they have are peers. Teens do not make good long-term decisions, and do not have access to $ (even simple amounts of money, like say enough to get a Lyft home and not drunk drive), etc. A trusted adult list gets around a lot of these issues.
I have two girls, and I think about this ALL THE TIME. I think you're doing a fantastic job. It's shitty that we have to teach them that the world isn't fair, and it's not in their favour. But take heart that you're changing that world for them, slowly, incrementally & that they are strong and brave and capable.
My mother used to say, whenever I went outside to play, “if you see a pervert, don’t talk to him, just run.” I would laugh and so would my friends. But then, next thing I knew, it was the summer of Son of Sam. I knew it was dangerous out there. I used to fantasize about running away from home but I knew I’d be easy prey as a child, and that whatever emotional dangers I was facing at home, at least I was relatively physically safe. I think it’s important that girls know that the world contains danger. I think girls (and boys) need to be shown how to navigate the world and be taught how to assess danger and risk rationally, knowing how and what they risk to an extent. To this day, I never, say, take a shortcut down a deserted street: am I in such a rush that one to five minutes will change my life? Will saving ten dollars by walking home instead of getting a cab at 3am be worth it if I’m assaulted? Is it easier to just excuse myself than negotiate with a strange man who wants my attention in the park? Well, why do I owe a strange man my attention, right? I wish someone had taught me that way instead of or maybe at least in addition to making me afraid... Like: I don’t owe anyone my time! I’m worthy of respect. I think a balance of instilling a sense of self-assurance, self-worth, and a healthy dose of reasonable trepidation is probably a good idea (in places like NYC where anything can happen). Make sure your daughter knows how to engage with her surroundings, and know how to enlist the help of others, and not feel alone.
The day I learned that I could ask others to help was key for me. I learned this while hostessing in my 20s, and having bouncers. Any trouble loomed, I asked the bouncer to stick by me. Even last year at the café I had a customer who was always aggressive with me to the point I got shaky at the sight of him: one day I simply asked someone else to take over, and no questions were asked because I’d never been known to do something without a good reason. I simply said to the barista, “please take over,” and walked away. Later, I was amazed at myself: I didn’t feel cowardly; rather, I felt powerful. There’s many ways to be strong, and wise ways of dealing with fear. I wish I had a mother like you when I was little! I think children don’t need to be protected from reality: maybe men think they do and that it’s their duty to protect their little girls. But that mindset only empowers men to the detriment of girls and women, — it’s debilitating and makes girls easier prey for the worst of men while the well-meaning (but wrongheaded) men who made them easy prey are far away and unable to protect them.
Just keep being you! Be ready to acknowledge mistakes, and to rebound from them as an example. Talk about everything.
For example, I recently remembered a story my mother told me about a girl (long ago, in ecuador) coming to her for help because her sister was trying to pressure her into a life of prostitution with her. My mother felt helpless because she was young and had to obey a fearful aunt — who no doubt was fearful for her own social standing, being helpless and dependent herself, to an extent). My mother’s aunt had told her to “get rid of” the girl, and so my mother had to listen to the girl’s pleas for help/shelter and respond with, “I can’t help you. I have to go now,” and went inside. Possibly there was nothing anyone could do that would not have endangered my mother, and her aunt. But when I look back at this story that my mother told me for the first time (without the prostitution being explicit) when I was very young, I realize the one thing that would have changed everything for me would have been at least some words to the effect of: “I wish I could have helped her. I wish I could have done something. I would do things differently today. I hope you would be able to do things differently.” Anything but the resignation to helplessness she presented to me when she first told me that story. As a child, I accepted the story with its ending without question. Only when she told it again last week, to me at the age of 56, did I say, “What? What happened to her? Where did she go? How could you let her go?”
I suddenly realized it had taken me a long time to become less fearful and passive because of the way my mother presented the world and her own interactions.
Men being too protective of little girls only empowers men, while disempowering the girls as they grow into fearful women, is what I tried to express. This traditional protective father role has to be tempered with a feminist point of view from the father himself.
I was in grade five when boys started to be boys. It was a just a comment. The best use for girls was to "love them and leave them," my classmate said. He said this in front of a male teacher who kept handing out papers. To anyone watching nothing happened. A few innocent words were said. The other boys laughed. The original speaker didn't mean any harm. But, this nothing that happened, this harmless comment has stayed with me for decades. Of course, now I have list of words, actions, behaviours--all innocent, all harmless because they don't harm boys and men.
The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker - is a book all about how fear is CRITICAL for our survival. (Our = human) HIGHLY ENCOURAGE everyone to read it (I realize I am wicked late to this thread).
The tl;dr of both de Becker and anything I will say is this: Fear is good. It is okay to make your daughter feel afraid. Fear motivates a response and gets us humans out of dangerous situations.
Anxiety - worrying about things that have not yet happened, may never happen - and feeling helpless while doing so? That one serves no purpose.
Fear, though: going through dangerous scenarios (even unlikely ones!) and thinking through them, finding 3 or 4 safe(r) ways to navigate the situation (ESPECIALLY in conversation with someone else)? That builds strong neural pathways that may help us get out of a similar dangerous situation later on.
If you read de Becker and like him, and want advanced reading on self defense, Rory Miller is amazing. Meditations on Violence is an excellent starting book. Miller also has a blog and teaches actively still, and my experience with the few times I've reached out to him is that he may take a little while, but if you have a question he hasn't answered in his book(s) / blog already, he'll actually write back (or call) himself to work through something with you. He's a good guy.
As the mother of three nearly-grown daughters, I have experienced either myself or with one of my daughters everything discussed here and worse. I second the recommendations for martial arts. Additionally, don't be afraid to restrict or entirely cut off social media. Your daughter will complain that everyone else is doing it but it's no different than with your other family rules around things like teen drinking or bedtimes. The answer is that other families have their own rules but you're in this family and these are our rules. Definitely monitor their social and other media and social communication generally! Also, teach them from an early age to be critical media consumers. Point out the way that advertisers are trying to manipulate them, discuss how this or that show or photo is objectifying women. If you talk about it until they cut you off with, "We know, Mom!" then you have said it enough and they will have internalized it. Also, definitely get fathers or other men in their lives involved to tell them the ugly truth about what many teenaged boys think and feel. Confront mothers of boys who want to excuse unacceptable behavior by their sons. This is needed so much more!! Mothers of sons and teachers of boys need to do so much better! Can't tell you how many mothers think "My son is a good kid, he would never do that." Teachers will even excuse boys on those grounds. They have to be made to witness the little things like bra snapping that will only escalate. It's all part of a spectrum of bullying that changes to harassment and assault as the bullies age. Also, if it's an option, all-girls schools can be empowering, although not all are created equal; some perpetuate the misogyny of the institutions that sponsor them. Also, never stop pushing back on the men who think it's on the girls and women to manage their emotions better in the face of unequal treatment/opportunity or harassment or worse. No, it's on the boys to do better and be anti-misogynistic, not on the girls to be less bothered. Teach your daughter to say "No" or even, "That's a hard pass" without guilt or worry about the other person's feelings. Model within your family that no means no even about little things. So often the family dynamic is where girls learn by watching their mother that they have to always be nice and defer to the other person's needs instead of honoring their own feelings, including their anger. Keep teaching your daughter and others the difference between a personal psychological problem and a sociological problem. Ask, "Is that a you problem or a they problem?" Keep helping women and girls to use their anger to get into good trouble. But also, sadly, the world will always contain bad people - monsters are real - and we need to know how to recognize them and be prepared to flee or fight instead of freezing. It's so hard raising girls but you can't doubt yourself or they will learn to doubt themselves. When schools say "you have to trust us" the answer is No. Bye. Trust your child and yourself. Schools will try to gaslight her and you can't side with the school against your kid. They have to know you are always on their side but also, even more, you are always on the side of truth. Keep fighting for your daughter and all women!
You are not overreacting. You're being realistic. And, you're protecting your child until she is old enough to take care of herself. Every woman has a story of how either she or someone close to her had to deal with a man overstepping boundaries... sometimes bc he was unaware that the boundaries even existed. I think the one big lesson we can teach our kids is that it is really ok to say no. They don't have to be polite about it. They can just say no. We don't have to take care of predators/abusers. I've shared my stories w my daughter. And, I've told her that she should listen to her gut. Whatever she is feeling is accurate. Even if she doesn't have the words yet for them.
Not a parent, but I cannot help but think of when my sister told me about the first time she witnessed a man casing her daughter in a store. My niece was either 11 or 12 at the time (she is now 33 and married with a son). This dude followed my niece for a bit until my sister (who was maybe 34 at the time) got into this dude's face, told him my niece was 12, and to stop following her.
As for myself, I was around the same age when an older high school guy messed with me while I was delivering newspapers. I remember him putting his hands on my handlebars, saying something weird, and then asking if I wanted to have sex. He may have been just messing with me (that doesn't excuse his behavior), but I was instantly very uncomfortable and had difficulty delivering newspapers down that street. I never told anyone.
So, I think it's not about you teaching your daughter to be afraid, but mindful? Wary? Skeptical (I really like the idea of being skeptical), I think many folks have already given you great feedback. It's a balancing act because we want children to trust their discomfort, but we don't want them to be afraid.
I also want to comment on the TikTok in question. Apparently, some dudes online gave this girl a hard time because they thought the guy was trying to be "nice." I call bullshit on this, of course. Spoiler: I hear this guy, and it instantly takes me back to a scene in the movie Eighth Grade where a high school boy targets the main character when he's driving her home alone. Bo Burnham floored me with how accurately he captured this moment. He kept us in Elsie's perspective (flustered, uncomfortable, and guilty) while having the teenage choad try to make it Elsie's fault that he's getting turned down (she apologized for him harassing her). The energy from the man in this TikTok was the same, although he is unquestionably an adult, and this girl tracked exactly what this guy was trying to do.
You're not overreacting and you're not bringing work home with you. You're responding to not just what you know but what you're already seeing. My hope is that because she's got you for a mom, she's already a step ahead in understanding that there are asshole men out there who will get off on her discomfort; that she doesn't have to be nice or patient or tolerant of people who want to engage with her.
Things I wish my mother had done with me as a child: Teaching me that my body was MINE and that no one else was entitled to it; Giving me the vocabulary to describe what made me uncomfortable; teaching me how to set boundaries and enforce them; Teach me how to use my voice to defend myself; Practice skills so I knew where to go, who to call, how to make myself safe when I was out in the world.
I don't know if any of that's helpful to you, but I'm offering it up anyway. As a four-time survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence, I don't wish this shit on anyone. I also know that no one will ever, ever hurt me against my will again.
I don’t know the answers, but I don’t think you’re worrying unnecessarily. And I wish I had been raised by someone who even thought about these issues, let alone talked to me about it. Once, in my 30s, a much younger woman, maybe 19 or 20, saw me in a scary situation with a man and she clocked it instantly and just came right up and pretended to know me and we walked away to safety together...and I know nothing about her, but seeing her so confident and skilled and savvy at that age made a big impression on me. That’s what I would want to hope for if I was raising a girl...as is, I hope to raise the male, and male ally, equivalent. All to say, I think that you’re asking these questions means you’re on the right track with your daughter. And I’m sending a hug because these worries are exhausting. ❤️
Thank you for this, I really appreciate it. ❤️ And I think that's right, we need mentors and allies to look up to!
Thank you for this great article. I don't know if you have seen this older video from Rosalind Wiseman who wrote the book, Queen Bees and Wannabees, which the movie Mean Girls was based on. The video is excellent, it's called "The Politics of girl world." I see Wiseman also has a new book out specifically for adolescents, focuses on empowering them, and there is a chapter on sexual harassment. It may be worth checking out for your daughter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06UNf8Cc_C0&t=4s
https://www.amazon.com/Owning-Up-Empowering-Adolescents-Injustice/dp/1071814583/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=Rosalind+Wiseman&qid=1619792055&s=books&sr=1-2&asin=1071814583&revisionId=&format=4&depth=1
Thank you! I'll def check it out
It a very difficult world to navigate and you are doing a wonderful job. Learning to trust your instincts is helpful and so is learning a martial art. It does wonders for self confidence and avoiding many difficult situations because it helps to awaken how to respond to situations-both verbally and physically. The world is scary, having solid skills makes it less so.
I'm late to this conversation. I have two daughters (twins, now 16), am a therapist professionally (I work w teens), and also teach martial arts and self defense. It was not optional for my daughters to take at least 2 years of a martial art (after that it was optional). I didn't care if they 'went all the way' (i.e., got a black belt), but I wanted them to develop body confidence and some basic skills.
If you are looking for a dojo / place for your daughters to study *with body confidence / future self defense in mind* can I suggest a few things? First, you want a place that will very soon put them into some kind of contact / sparring w other students beyond basic drills. If you don't know anything about the martial arts, Muay Thai, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, most Krav Maga places are good places to start, but it really is dojo-dependent, so ANY non-mcDojo could work. Second, you want a place that isn't out to 'toughen' students up (and depending on instructor(s), that can be a tricksy balance). Make sure you watch a class, and see how the teacher(s) interact w the students - not just what they say and how they say it, but how their body language is, and if there is genuine affection for the students and for their job. See if the students genuinely like class / their teacher(s), and if they are eager to learn. Third - arguably most importantly - are there adult women who train at the dojo? This is the best single predictor of a safe environment I have ever found.
Most self defense classes - MOST, not all - won't teach much beyond the very, very high level *psychological* basics, no matter what they say otherwise. You cannot possibly learn and get in your body anything you will recall in a dangerous situation in a one-off class. That said, for folk who feel really unsafe in martial arts places, or folk who really don't want to commit to more training for any reason, self defense classes can be a good place to start.
I've been thinking about this a lot - whether to put her in a self defense class of some kind. Not just so she has the ability to protect herself, but so she feels confident walking around
Sorry I'm so late to this conversation (virtual reading pile!). I teach empowerment self-defense, which does all that you and others are looking for. Realistic to the kinds of situations women and girls face, not fear based, skills based, trauma informed, evidence based. Our students leave class feeling empowered and confident, saying their lives have been transformed. They not only feel better about being ready to fight off an attacker, but about saying no, asking for what they want, taking up space, etc. You can find us at defendyourself.org, and if you're in an area we don't reach, we can refer you to other groups that do the same work. Thanks for thinking about your daughter's safety in a holistic way, and for getting the conversation going!
Thank you so much for this. It evoked in articulate, stark life how I’ve felt my whole life. I’ve been trying to explain this to my feminist ally husband, and this really helps. I have two beloved nieces, and this is so helpful, and really helpful in raising my son, too. Thank you, as always!
Thank you, the kind words mean a lot - I'm glad it helps ❤️
I didn’t realize how much fear my mom instilled in me to avoid being harassed or assaulted (though obviously it’s not on me to prevent anything!) As a smaller woman it felt like the only protection I could offer myself - constantly vigilant, always aware of situations/people. It wasn’t until my 20s I realized how much work I was putting in daily to “stay safe.” When the toll of it all dawned on me I felt pissed and resentful - at mom, society and men obviously lol. Still somewhat resentful. If my mom had recognized and acknowledged the unfairness of the fear she was instilling in her girls, I could have come to terms with it and her easier.
Right, it's SO MUCH WORK. That's what I don't want for her - to feel it all the time - but I'm also so afraid of not adequately preparing her
Maybe we're cut from the same killjoy cloth, but I don't think you're overdoing it! Leaving aside the 'big' things, the crappy little stuff will 100% happen. The leery douchebags will sit next to her, men will honk their horns, and men will stare - so it's good for her to know how to handle it.
I think a great phrase, which has taken me 35 years to master, is "I don't want to talk to you." It's boring, but it's not playing their game. In most public situations where there's very little chance of him actually hurting you, it feels amazing to just shut him down by saying what you feel without having to laugh and play along (albeit we probably all remember the video of that man who punched a woman in Paris who told him to fuck off after he catcalled her).
The saddest thing (possibility, probably? it has come to be more saddening to me than actual assaults per se) is the awareness and dissociation from yourself that comes from being constantly, actively watched and interrupted by men. Walking down the street should be a careless activity, but as girls and then as women we're always being reminded that they're watching us. Men hit on you and catcall everywhere, whether you're running, having a coffee, walking to work, just anywhere public. I feel like we're constantly being put in our place by being reminded that we exist for men's entertainment or interest. I don't really have a solution to that, however!
I think it will really help her that you are telling her, most people let this shit slide but it's wrong and you're right to feel like it's wrong, so trust that feeling.
Also, killjoys unite lol
Yes, exactly - it's that disassociation that I think about all the time. And how ever-present it all is.
It's incredibly tough. As you said, the world will teach her and you can at least tell & show her you're a teacher who's on her side.
I suppose it is mostly about preparation? Not in the way of filling her with fear that the worst will happen to her but that these things do happen? It's a horribly tough balancing act for a parent.
I guess one of the most important things to tell her is something you already know, of course: that none of this shit is her fault. That's one of the most disgusting things, that apart from sexual aggression being downplayed, there's so often the suggestion that it's the woman's/girl's fault that it happened and her responsibility to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Anyway, you know all that. I'd say you're doing a good job - and if it feels like you're taking your work home with you? Isn't that also just because your business is dealing with the facts about the world?
Yeah, that's the one thing you can say: That none of it is her fault. I hate that I have to say it all, tho. (And thank you❤️)
“Most of all, I want her to know what trusting herself feels like—“ - Gaslight-proof ❤️
Gaslight proof is PRECISELY what I'm aiming for
No one is gaslight proof. :(
IMO one of the most important gifts a parent can give their kids is a list of trusted adults that the kid(s) can talk to, without reprisal. I go over this list with my teens at least a couple times a year. This list has adults on it who know who they are, and have agreed that if my kid comes to them to Talk About Something Important, they don't have to tell me (that is, it is TOTALLY okay to keep a secret from me and my husband. I trust them to make decisions with my child).
One of the worst things that I see happening with teens I work with is when teenagers end up in a situation they feel they cannot talk with their parents about - especially if they have a great relationship with their parents - and the only people they can turn to / sounding board(s) they have are peers. Teens do not make good long-term decisions, and do not have access to $ (even simple amounts of money, like say enough to get a Lyft home and not drunk drive), etc. A trusted adult list gets around a lot of these issues.
I have two girls, and I think about this ALL THE TIME. I think you're doing a fantastic job. It's shitty that we have to teach them that the world isn't fair, and it's not in their favour. But take heart that you're changing that world for them, slowly, incrementally & that they are strong and brave and capable.
❤️
My mother used to say, whenever I went outside to play, “if you see a pervert, don’t talk to him, just run.” I would laugh and so would my friends. But then, next thing I knew, it was the summer of Son of Sam. I knew it was dangerous out there. I used to fantasize about running away from home but I knew I’d be easy prey as a child, and that whatever emotional dangers I was facing at home, at least I was relatively physically safe. I think it’s important that girls know that the world contains danger. I think girls (and boys) need to be shown how to navigate the world and be taught how to assess danger and risk rationally, knowing how and what they risk to an extent. To this day, I never, say, take a shortcut down a deserted street: am I in such a rush that one to five minutes will change my life? Will saving ten dollars by walking home instead of getting a cab at 3am be worth it if I’m assaulted? Is it easier to just excuse myself than negotiate with a strange man who wants my attention in the park? Well, why do I owe a strange man my attention, right? I wish someone had taught me that way instead of or maybe at least in addition to making me afraid... Like: I don’t owe anyone my time! I’m worthy of respect. I think a balance of instilling a sense of self-assurance, self-worth, and a healthy dose of reasonable trepidation is probably a good idea (in places like NYC where anything can happen). Make sure your daughter knows how to engage with her surroundings, and know how to enlist the help of others, and not feel alone.
The day I learned that I could ask others to help was key for me. I learned this while hostessing in my 20s, and having bouncers. Any trouble loomed, I asked the bouncer to stick by me. Even last year at the café I had a customer who was always aggressive with me to the point I got shaky at the sight of him: one day I simply asked someone else to take over, and no questions were asked because I’d never been known to do something without a good reason. I simply said to the barista, “please take over,” and walked away. Later, I was amazed at myself: I didn’t feel cowardly; rather, I felt powerful. There’s many ways to be strong, and wise ways of dealing with fear. I wish I had a mother like you when I was little! I think children don’t need to be protected from reality: maybe men think they do and that it’s their duty to protect their little girls. But that mindset only empowers men to the detriment of girls and women, — it’s debilitating and makes girls easier prey for the worst of men while the well-meaning (but wrongheaded) men who made them easy prey are far away and unable to protect them.
"I didn't feel cowardly...I felt powerful" This is *exactly* what I want for her
Just keep being you! Be ready to acknowledge mistakes, and to rebound from them as an example. Talk about everything.
For example, I recently remembered a story my mother told me about a girl (long ago, in ecuador) coming to her for help because her sister was trying to pressure her into a life of prostitution with her. My mother felt helpless because she was young and had to obey a fearful aunt — who no doubt was fearful for her own social standing, being helpless and dependent herself, to an extent). My mother’s aunt had told her to “get rid of” the girl, and so my mother had to listen to the girl’s pleas for help/shelter and respond with, “I can’t help you. I have to go now,” and went inside. Possibly there was nothing anyone could do that would not have endangered my mother, and her aunt. But when I look back at this story that my mother told me for the first time (without the prostitution being explicit) when I was very young, I realize the one thing that would have changed everything for me would have been at least some words to the effect of: “I wish I could have helped her. I wish I could have done something. I would do things differently today. I hope you would be able to do things differently.” Anything but the resignation to helplessness she presented to me when she first told me that story. As a child, I accepted the story with its ending without question. Only when she told it again last week, to me at the age of 56, did I say, “What? What happened to her? Where did she go? How could you let her go?”
I suddenly realized it had taken me a long time to become less fearful and passive because of the way my mother presented the world and her own interactions.
Men being too protective of little girls only empowers men, while disempowering the girls as they grow into fearful women, is what I tried to express. This traditional protective father role has to be tempered with a feminist point of view from the father himself.
I was in grade five when boys started to be boys. It was a just a comment. The best use for girls was to "love them and leave them," my classmate said. He said this in front of a male teacher who kept handing out papers. To anyone watching nothing happened. A few innocent words were said. The other boys laughed. The original speaker didn't mean any harm. But, this nothing that happened, this harmless comment has stayed with me for decades. Of course, now I have list of words, actions, behaviours--all innocent, all harmless because they don't harm boys and men.
Right, I'm so tired of "didn't mean any harm." Because it's certainly harming us