I'm late to this, but it's a great piece. I completely understand the wish to protect her, but the key point you make is one everyone should remember: there is nothing a girl can wear, and nothing she can do, that will stop certain men seeing her the way they see her. There's nothing the object of their sexism can do that will make sexist men (or a sexist society) see anything other than a projection of what is in their heads.
If a decent man looks at a girl, he will just see a kid in short shorts and a crop top; if a sexualising, objectifying, porn-addled dude looks at her, he'll see scantily dressed jailbait (ugh, I feel so gross just writing that phrase!). The problem isn't her - and we know this because decent people (men and women) don't look at girls and think they should cover up because we are attracted to them.
I have never looked at a man or woman and thought they should cover up to stop me thinking sexual thoughts about them, and I have sure as hell never had that experience with a CHILD. If these guys see "too much skin on display" it's because they are viewing these children through a sexual lens. Sadly, that's what the rest of society is seeing, too, when it blames her for his actions.
Amen and thank you! My poor 17-year-old gets such shame from her grandma and biological dad about her crop tops and short shorts. She's mortified to talk about anything sex and body with me, but sometimes you have to do it anyway... took the opportunity to reassure her that she's allowed to be comfortable, to have fun, and that other people's reactions are their issue, not hers. We've also talked about strategies to deal with unwanted and intrusive reactions from boys and authority figures about her body or clothes, but that's a separate issue, and as you say happens even when she's in hoodies and sweatpants! She and her friends dress for comfort, for experimentation with how the world receives them, and sure, maybe once in a while for attention, why not?
There might indeed be some adolescent girls for whom dress is part of an immature or cruel use of sexuality - experimenting with the power it gives them to manipulate in unkind or dangerous ways. We have in fact had to talk about that, but not related to clothing... and when it happens it's the intention and the manipulation that's the problem, not the dress.
True. My daughter's friend gets harassed while wearing a hijab and covering up everything but her face and hands: "Hey baby, what you hiding under there?"
It's so simple: teach boys/men to respect women no matter what they're wearing or what their profession is, teach them not to rape (can't believe this actually has to be said as an addendum), and the kind of bizarre comments about "castrating all men" don't even make sense. We have to stop letting boys grow up thinking they're "hard-wired" to be sexual aggressors, and girls are "hard-wired" to be their victims. It makes us all see things through the eyes of sexual aggressors instead of as caring human beings. Women are just as liable to shame other women/girls and perpetuate this mentality. So sick of this crap.
“Take young eyes into consideration,” he says, gesturing to children who have not noticed the small group of teens on the beach. I had an acquaintance stop me on the street the other day to comment on my body. When I pushed back he became defensive because his intentions mattered more than the impact of his question.
While in high school I was harassed by a fellow male student who said I was wearing baggy pants cause my p*ssy must have been huge and I needed big pants to hide it. He thought that was a compliment. Men will either see it and be tempted or not see it and imagine what they want to be tempted by. We can't win no matter what we wear.
I have been harassed while wearing a parka - like an actual full length parka, with the hood up because it was in a blizzard...none of that mattered to a man on the street who somehow managed to comment on my body and follow me for a block. It really doesn't matter what we wear.
So true and quite timely! I have a 10 yo girl and crop tops are all the rage. She hasn't asked, but I admittedly haven't wanted to buy one for her if she did. Those leers and comments made me feel horrible and unsafe when I was younger and I want to protect her from that, but as you say, that isn't going to make the difference. Her crop top isn't the problem, the skeevy dude making the comment is.
Yes to all of this, but especially this line: "It never occurs to this man that the problem is him." When we police girls bodies, we teach boys that they're not responsible for their own behavior.
I'm late to this, but it's a great piece. I completely understand the wish to protect her, but the key point you make is one everyone should remember: there is nothing a girl can wear, and nothing she can do, that will stop certain men seeing her the way they see her. There's nothing the object of their sexism can do that will make sexist men (or a sexist society) see anything other than a projection of what is in their heads.
If a decent man looks at a girl, he will just see a kid in short shorts and a crop top; if a sexualising, objectifying, porn-addled dude looks at her, he'll see scantily dressed jailbait (ugh, I feel so gross just writing that phrase!). The problem isn't her - and we know this because decent people (men and women) don't look at girls and think they should cover up because we are attracted to them.
I have never looked at a man or woman and thought they should cover up to stop me thinking sexual thoughts about them, and I have sure as hell never had that experience with a CHILD. If these guys see "too much skin on display" it's because they are viewing these children through a sexual lens. Sadly, that's what the rest of society is seeing, too, when it blames her for his actions.
Amen and thank you! My poor 17-year-old gets such shame from her grandma and biological dad about her crop tops and short shorts. She's mortified to talk about anything sex and body with me, but sometimes you have to do it anyway... took the opportunity to reassure her that she's allowed to be comfortable, to have fun, and that other people's reactions are their issue, not hers. We've also talked about strategies to deal with unwanted and intrusive reactions from boys and authority figures about her body or clothes, but that's a separate issue, and as you say happens even when she's in hoodies and sweatpants! She and her friends dress for comfort, for experimentation with how the world receives them, and sure, maybe once in a while for attention, why not?
There might indeed be some adolescent girls for whom dress is part of an immature or cruel use of sexuality - experimenting with the power it gives them to manipulate in unkind or dangerous ways. We have in fact had to talk about that, but not related to clothing... and when it happens it's the intention and the manipulation that's the problem, not the dress.
True. My daughter's friend gets harassed while wearing a hijab and covering up everything but her face and hands: "Hey baby, what you hiding under there?"
It's so simple: teach boys/men to respect women no matter what they're wearing or what their profession is, teach them not to rape (can't believe this actually has to be said as an addendum), and the kind of bizarre comments about "castrating all men" don't even make sense. We have to stop letting boys grow up thinking they're "hard-wired" to be sexual aggressors, and girls are "hard-wired" to be their victims. It makes us all see things through the eyes of sexual aggressors instead of as caring human beings. Women are just as liable to shame other women/girls and perpetuate this mentality. So sick of this crap.
“Take young eyes into consideration,” he says, gesturing to children who have not noticed the small group of teens on the beach. I had an acquaintance stop me on the street the other day to comment on my body. When I pushed back he became defensive because his intentions mattered more than the impact of his question.
While in high school I was harassed by a fellow male student who said I was wearing baggy pants cause my p*ssy must have been huge and I needed big pants to hide it. He thought that was a compliment. Men will either see it and be tempted or not see it and imagine what they want to be tempted by. We can't win no matter what we wear.
I have been harassed while wearing a parka - like an actual full length parka, with the hood up because it was in a blizzard...none of that mattered to a man on the street who somehow managed to comment on my body and follow me for a block. It really doesn't matter what we wear.
So true and quite timely! I have a 10 yo girl and crop tops are all the rage. She hasn't asked, but I admittedly haven't wanted to buy one for her if she did. Those leers and comments made me feel horrible and unsafe when I was younger and I want to protect her from that, but as you say, that isn't going to make the difference. Her crop top isn't the problem, the skeevy dude making the comment is.
Yes to all of this, but especially this line: "It never occurs to this man that the problem is him." When we police girls bodies, we teach boys that they're not responsible for their own behavior.
Amen.